Ex Marks the Spot

I have always tried to remain friends with my exes.. Why? I always joke that if I ever run for political office I want their loyalty.. but really I think I try to remain on good terms because I want to have some sort of pressence in their lives still. I think it's a control thing.

I'm still friends with H my first. I have remained in contact with J, when I'm in her neck of the woods we usually grab tea or lunch. And the girls I've had short term relationships with are all stil friends.

Recently though decided that I just can not be friends with one of them. I suffered through a very dramatic, painful, stressful relationship with J and remained friends so that I could check in and make sure she was still ok every once in a while.. but I'm still really bitter. Very very very bitter. And it has exploded. And we are no longer friends. Sigh.. I don't know why I was holding on, maybe so I'd have some sort of control over what happened with us. But clearly it was just not meant to be. We have nothing in common other than we spent almost a year "in love". We have grown up and apart. She refused, for years, to get help for her problems and just recently has done so. She has been diagnosed and now chooses to lump all the mistakes she made when we were together.. into her diagnosed behavior, some how justifying it. It makes me sick. I have a hard time being empathetic for her Borderline Personality Disorder when she could have gotten help a long time ago but refused.

I find that I also do this with N. She went back and forth so much during our relationship that when she was finally ready to commit I had a severely bitter and torn up heart. We broke up..and stayed friends..and every chance we get to meet up I passively aggressively attack her for hurting me throughout our short relationship. Why does she even want to see me if all I do is make passive aggressive remarks about what we used to be?

It's time to let go of all the bitter and selfish reasons I remain in contact with the people I've dated. Some are truely friends, while others should have been forgotten... I hang on to those feelings for some sort of power over the situation and it produces such a negative feeling.

Time to move on and be more positive. Let the past simply be the past.