Mistakes..

The Girlfriend and I have reached a rough spot. It's a result of something that I did. I broke a promise, I broke trust, I broke us.. (i'm guessing you can figure out what happened.. there is a lot to it.. behind it.. that i'm not going to disclose out of respect for everyone involved.. but it was wrong lets leave it at that) We're trying to work things out but it's hard. The trust, the insecurities, the mess.. it's so hard.

It's a huge lesson for me. A lesson in trust, respect, control, the human condition. I learned that everyone is capable of making mistakes. BIG ONES. Everyone, even me. I really can't believe I did what I did. It haunts me everyday. I was selfish. I was stupid.

It's been hard to move on. I'm not the type that gets over things easily (even when I do them to myself). I'm the type that sits and stews. I have to think about it until I can't think anymore. I have to evalute everything. I have to pick it apart. I have to be a little miserable while I'm at it.

My girlfriend does not handle things the way I do. She's a positive thinker.. "what happened is done, lets move on" she says. I don't work that way. I'm trying, in my own way. She's trying to be patient.

I've been so selfish. I hurt her so bad, but also really damaged myself. I haven't been there for her because I'm so wrapped up in figuring out my own issues... I've been an awful girlfriend througout this process.

I've never loved someone so much.. so much that I'm willing to really look into myself and figure things out instead of running and taking the easy way out and running away from it all. I've never devoted so much time in rescuing a relationship. Before, if there was an issue.. that was it. I never worked at keeping it together. Now..I want to work for it. I want to earn my keep in this relationship.

Everyone makes mistakes.
I have made my big one.. one of many I'm sure to make in my life.
But I'll never do this again..

Moving forward isn't always easy but it is definately worth it.