Mistakes..

The Girlfriend and I have reached a rough spot. It's a result of something that I did. I broke a promise, I broke trust, I broke us.. (i'm guessing you can figure out what happened.. there is a lot to it.. behind it.. that i'm not going to disclose out of respect for everyone involved.. but it was wrong lets leave it at that) We're trying to work things out but it's hard. The trust, the insecurities, the mess.. it's so hard.

It's a huge lesson for me. A lesson in trust, respect, control, the human condition. I learned that everyone is capable of making mistakes. BIG ONES. Everyone, even me. I really can't believe I did what I did. It haunts me everyday. I was selfish. I was stupid.

It's been hard to move on. I'm not the type that gets over things easily (even when I do them to myself). I'm the type that sits and stews. I have to think about it until I can't think anymore. I have to evalute everything. I have to pick it apart. I have to be a little miserable while I'm at it.

My girlfriend does not handle things the way I do. She's a positive thinker.. "what happened is done, lets move on" she says. I don't work that way. I'm trying, in my own way. She's trying to be patient.

I've been so selfish. I hurt her so bad, but also really damaged myself. I haven't been there for her because I'm so wrapped up in figuring out my own issues... I've been an awful girlfriend througout this process.

I've never loved someone so much.. so much that I'm willing to really look into myself and figure things out instead of running and taking the easy way out and running away from it all. I've never devoted so much time in rescuing a relationship. Before, if there was an issue.. that was it. I never worked at keeping it together. Now..I want to work for it. I want to earn my keep in this relationship.

Everyone makes mistakes.
I have made my big one.. one of many I'm sure to make in my life.
But I'll never do this again..

Moving forward isn't always easy but it is definately worth it.

Ex Marks the Spot

I have always tried to remain friends with my exes.. Why? I always joke that if I ever run for political office I want their loyalty.. but really I think I try to remain on good terms because I want to have some sort of pressence in their lives still. I think it's a control thing.

I'm still friends with H my first. I have remained in contact with J, when I'm in her neck of the woods we usually grab tea or lunch. And the girls I've had short term relationships with are all stil friends.

Recently though decided that I just can not be friends with one of them. I suffered through a very dramatic, painful, stressful relationship with J and remained friends so that I could check in and make sure she was still ok every once in a while.. but I'm still really bitter. Very very very bitter. And it has exploded. And we are no longer friends. Sigh.. I don't know why I was holding on, maybe so I'd have some sort of control over what happened with us. But clearly it was just not meant to be. We have nothing in common other than we spent almost a year "in love". We have grown up and apart. She refused, for years, to get help for her problems and just recently has done so. She has been diagnosed and now chooses to lump all the mistakes she made when we were together.. into her diagnosed behavior, some how justifying it. It makes me sick. I have a hard time being empathetic for her Borderline Personality Disorder when she could have gotten help a long time ago but refused.

I find that I also do this with N. She went back and forth so much during our relationship that when she was finally ready to commit I had a severely bitter and torn up heart. We broke up..and stayed friends..and every chance we get to meet up I passively aggressively attack her for hurting me throughout our short relationship. Why does she even want to see me if all I do is make passive aggressive remarks about what we used to be?

It's time to let go of all the bitter and selfish reasons I remain in contact with the people I've dated. Some are truely friends, while others should have been forgotten... I hang on to those feelings for some sort of power over the situation and it produces such a negative feeling.

Time to move on and be more positive. Let the past simply be the past.

Election Season (20 something months of it..) is finally over and what do we have to show for it? An amazing new president who will hopefully bring the change he has promised.. I can't tell you how proud I am to be an american right now. At the same time as this historic election of our first black president occured.. Prop 8 passed in California. What's that mean? That the 18,000 gay couples that have been married this past spring and summer are no longer legally married. It means that for the first time a state has granted a right and then taken it away. I'm disgusted. It was so close. Who are these 51 percent who believe that gays are second class citizens? I'd love to meet them, I'd love to see how their relationships are so much better than ours.

Melissa Etheridge says it best about the passage of Prop 8..
"Okay. So Prop 8 passed. Alright, I get it. 51% of you think that I am a second class citizen. Alright then. So my wife, uh I mean, roommate? Girlfriend? Special lady friend? You are gonna have to help me here because I am not sure what to call her now. Anyways, she and I are not allowed the same right under the state constitution as any other citizen. Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen. I mean that would just be wrong, to make someone pay taxes and not give them the same rights, sounds sort of like that taxation without representation thing from the history books" (read more)

I'm so sickened by this... other states had gay marriage bans on their ballets too.. all of which passed, even one banning gay couples from adopting. Don't even get me started on that.. My partner and I are totally capable of raising a child. We'd be amazing parents...

On a less serious note the gay relationship on one of my favorite shows is ending abruptly and for no real reason supposedly (can't have them there gays on the t.v set .. oh no no.. i don't want no lesbos on my screeeen). Greys Anatomy is firing Brooke Smith (Erica Hahn) because of the lack of "chemistry" aparently.. between her and Callie .. Sigh.. with the L Word Ending there aren't any lesbian characters to relate with anymore...
(read more)

Kittens, Husbands and French Maids OH MY

As I think..and over think..and think some more about my move to Chicago to be with The Girlfriend...I keep thinking of all the things I'll miss.

While I'll miss my parents, my friends, and my coworkers.. I've complained to The Girlfriend that I'll miss having a furry creature to love. This is a problem. I've always had pets, I love animals.. but The Girlfriends roommate does not.

A dog is out of the question, he hates cats, so he'll probably hate a house rabbit.. regardless I'm excited to live with him and just adore him but in order to see if it wasn't just him denying me pet ownership (maybe she secretly doesn't want animals either but makes him look like the bad guy) i asked ...

Me "Sooo say it were just you and I living together.. would you let me get a kitten? It could be like..our little baby and I'd love it and hold it and squeeze it?"

Her " sure!"

Me "oh.. so .. i dooo have a nice girlfriend who would give me all the puppies and kittens i ever wanted?"

Her "Yes, except your girlfriends HUSBAND doesn't want any"

- "girlfriends husband" it's so true the girlfriend and the roommate are a total married couple, both gay but an excellent friendship and partnership..so it's definitely like moving in with another set of parents. Hey at least I'll have him around to lift heavy things and attempt to put together things I buy from ikea... and she can cook for me! (my job is to clean..in a french maids outfit)

Moving sounds like bliss.. except for the kitten part...

Lori C and the Beaver Bunch

Meet Lori C! We've actually never met in person, but have talked a few times at the insistence of a mutual friend.. until Lori and I actually do get a chance to meet up and eat the sushi we've been promising.. I get to know her via her vlogs! (yes much cooler than a blog.. sorry)

Anyway.. she is a part of The Beaver Bunch .. " five very different LGBTQ members have come together to break stereotypes, discuss the world at large, and answer your questions."

She's Miss Tuesday! So catch her vlogs each and every tuesday at the beaver bunch.

Moving Panic

So The Girlfriend asked me to move in with her..and her roommate (i love him, a strapping handy handsome gay man).. and panic has ensued

The Rent
I have never paid rent. I'm moving to a big city without a big job and I am contributing rent. At first The Girlfriend suggest I not pay as much as the two of them did because I'd be sharing a room and wouldn't have my own space and because i won't be making as much as she does. Financially that sounds lovely, considering it's..kind of a lot. But I want everything to be equal, I never want there to be any money conflicts. Besides, I will feel that the apartment is less mine. So the goal is to pay exactly one third.

I don't want her to be my sugar mama.. I mean.. take me out to dinner and make me cupcakes for breakfast but don't give me a deal on the rent. The deal is..that I'm going to at least try to pay the one third of the rent and if for some reason (say new job search issues.. ) if I struggle to get the one third, she'll cover what I can't... I'm going to avoid that at all costs. While we have an age difference and a job/career status difference (she's got a job, I'm in school) I just don't want to feel like the baby in the relationship you know? I don't want her to take care of me like that.. at least not at this stage of the relationship.

The Space
Then.. I started freaking out about the space. Their apartment is beautiful and perfect for two people but not for three, and they love it so much they want to stay as long as possible (so out goes the three bedroom i found on craigslist) While we'll share the bigger room with a private bathroom, The Girlfriend has SO MUCH STUFF.. SOOOOO MUCH STUFF (i should know, i moved it all) and I don't know where I'll possibly find room to bring my stuff. I'll probably only bring essential wardrobe, laptop/ipod/phone gadgetry, and beautification supplies. That's it, no picture frames with memories of home.. no art work.. nothing to make the place really mine.

Also.. every thing's already decorated, and that's great. Every things really nice. But it isn't mine you know? It's her bed, her art, her bedspread.. her pink kitchen utensils (mine are red haha).. Again.. I worry that this will make me feel like its THEIR place..not OUR place. Will it feel like an extended sleepover?

I confessed my concerns to The Girlfriend and she was deeply offended that I didn't think she'd do everything to make it feel like OUR place. "I'll get rid of stuff!" she said. "I'll make space in my closet!" ... "You don't like my bed? I thought you said you thought it was sexy?!" .. I do I do.. I just want it to be OURS

I'm sure this is something every couple faces as they move in together. I'm sure this is normal for the person moving in to the already completed space. But I have to hash this out before I get there. Luckily I have a really patient girlfriend.

Independence
To top it off, while discussing the move with my mother (who cried during the whole conversation about her only child leaving) she said..

"I just feel like you're moving from one mother..and in with another mother" meaning The Girlfriend is definitely the caretaker type (as am i but she's much more dominant and motherly than I) and that.. I won't really know what it's like to live "on my own" because I'll have her taking care of me..



Again.. I am excited.. just scared. I want it to all work out great. I want everything to be smooth. I worry too much, and The Girlfriend is way too laid back. It makes for an interesting pair.

The Big Move Question

So its been a while, I probably start a majority of my posts this way. I'm sorry. With school, work, a long distance love.. it's a lot to keep up with.

The Girlfriend recently came to my neck of the woods, something that is rare because her work schedule makes is difficult to come here, and besides.. I love going to her big city. So she came for a weekend and we had a great time. Her first morning there my mother tried stealing her away from me by seducing her with craftiness (a literal craftiness example: scrap booking). My mom showered her with gifts of scrapbook supplies (a hobby they share) and the two had a blast talking and playing. I sat off to the side pouting. When I came out at 16 to my mother, I never thought I'd one day have to compete with her for my girlfriends attention. I'm so grateful. They're adorable together. My mom wants to trade me for her.. I explained that she was lucky enough to get us as a package deal.

She even baked cookies especially for my dad. Needless to say my parents continue to fall more and more in love with her every time they see her. My mother even threw herself on my bed in protest on her leaving as she packed. It was adorable.

We had a great time with my family and friends but it was jammed packed. With our infrequent visits we are always trying to do as much as possible when we are together, and it's exhausting.. The day she left, as she drove back to her big city life, I called and confessed that I could not possibly handle the distance anymore, that my bed felt cold and empty (even though i complain that she gets too warm at night), my heart was sore, and my eyes swollen from crying like a baby every time our weekends together end. I told her I was tired of packing everything into a weekend.. I was tired of not seeing her when I wake up.. I was tired.. just plain exhausted and that it was time I do something about it. I vaguely suggested that within the next couple months I was going to take the steps to either get closer to Chicago, or actually live there...and that's when she said it..

"well maybe you should move in with me next semester and think about going to school here.."

whaaaat?
really?
seriously?

This is big considering the first time we talked about this she freaked and the conversation led to a break for her to figure out exactly what she wanted...

So I said Ok. I told my mom, she cried. I told the family I nanny for.. they panicked... I opened a new bank account and devised a subsequent plan to save for a move shortly after the holidays. I don't think anyone really believes I'll do it. I've been comfortable here, at home at my small little community college, living with my parents, and avoiding the big steps I need to make towards my career and just growing up. It's time. I have a great city and a loving girlfriend waiting for me.

I'm moving in!

Ellen and McCain

Thanks Ellen!

Ellen and Senator John McCain Debate Gay Marriage



How can he honestly sit there.. and not understand?

One day.. Ooonnnee day

Sarah Palin...

So the media is buzzing with Sarah Palin, Republican Vice Presidential Nominee. And I'm having all sorts of mixed feelings about it.

She's a woman! YAY!
She's a republican. Ew
She's a mother! YAY!
She's conservative. Ew

She is getting a lot of flack for accepting the nomination because she's a mother of young children, one of which has down syndrome, another that is pregnant. But I keep thinking to my self... If this were a man, with a down syndrome child, and a pregnant 17 year old..No one would question their decision to run for VP. So.. kudos to Sarah P for running, I respect her for that.

What I don't respect is her social conservatism. While she has been quoted as saying she has "gay friends" she does not support gay marriage.


"Palin said she's not out to judge anyone and has good friends who are gay, but that she supported the 1998 constitutional amendment.

Elected officials can't defy the court when it comes to how rights are applied, she said, but she would support a ballot question that would deny benefits to homosexual couples.

"I believe that honoring the family structure is that important," Palin said.

She said she doesn't know if people choose to be gay. "

It's funny, as the areas resident lesbian, and a political one at that, I get a lot of people asking.."But don't you think she's hot?!" And I have to be honest.. YES.. Yes I think she's hot. I'll take a powerful woman in sexy glasses any day (insert Tina Fey).

But hot shouldn't decide the election.

So to all the lesbians out there that have the same weakness for a hot brunette in glasses.. Use your strength! Avoid eye glass contact! She may be hot, but she doesn't support you, so don't support her!

Lesbian Weddings

This is a little belated but I saw this the other day and it gave me chills. Congrats to Ellen and Portia here is a video about their wedding..




I want to get married!

Actually I brought the idea up to my mom the other day while applying makeup in the bathroom. I summoned her in and said I had something important to ask her. I always seem to do this.. ask her important things in the bathroom. She took her usual spot on the porcelain throne and looked up at me with those big brown "oh god..what now" mom eyes.

ME:"Soooooo lets say ...I wanted to get married.."
MOM:"mmmmmhmm"
ME:"to someone...like..The Girlfriend"
MOM:"mmhmmm.."
ME:"not now!not like this month or anything, not even this year, but one day!"
MOM:"uhh..huuuhhh.."
ME:"would you be supportive?"
MOM:"well.. sure"
ME:"i mean, would you help with the wedding..would you be there..would you pay for the food the open bar and dj?"
MOM:"..Um.. Yeah..Sure! I just.. don't want you rushing into anything..ok?"
ME:"I'm not! I'm not! I was just curious if you would be as supportive as you would if I was marrying a man"
MOM:"Can't we just all go to vegas?"
ME:"Um, no. I want everyone I've EVER MET to be there."
MOM"Oh GOD"

So, I don't know what that really means. I think when it happens, if it does (and I hope it does) my parents will really step up to the plate and be supportive. I'm sure of it. But they won't have to worry about it for a while. So says The Girlfriend.

I love her, I do. She's amazing. But she was married before, to a not so nice man. And having had that marriage under her belt puts a different spin on our future plans. She a little more cynical about dreamy plans than I would like. If we were to get married..she'd want something small and quiet.."I've already done a big wedding". That sort of puts a damper on things. I haven't "already done a big wedding". I haven't done all those things. I'm all dreamy in love and excited about spending my life with this girl. This is new to me, where she has already "been there, done that" and has seen it fail. I don't blame her for being guarded about our future after what she's been through, but it does pinch a little.

I just dedicated a whole post to marriage, I'm sure this will freak The Girlfriend out. Oh well, like she isn't used to me constantly talking about it anyways.

Ha