Kittens, Husbands and French Maids OH MY

As I think..and over think..and think some more about my move to Chicago to be with The Girlfriend...I keep thinking of all the things I'll miss.

While I'll miss my parents, my friends, and my coworkers.. I've complained to The Girlfriend that I'll miss having a furry creature to love. This is a problem. I've always had pets, I love animals.. but The Girlfriends roommate does not.

A dog is out of the question, he hates cats, so he'll probably hate a house rabbit.. regardless I'm excited to live with him and just adore him but in order to see if it wasn't just him denying me pet ownership (maybe she secretly doesn't want animals either but makes him look like the bad guy) i asked ...

Me "Sooo say it were just you and I living together.. would you let me get a kitten? It could be like..our little baby and I'd love it and hold it and squeeze it?"

Her " sure!"

Me "oh.. so .. i dooo have a nice girlfriend who would give me all the puppies and kittens i ever wanted?"

Her "Yes, except your girlfriends HUSBAND doesn't want any"

- "girlfriends husband" it's so true the girlfriend and the roommate are a total married couple, both gay but an excellent friendship and partnership..so it's definitely like moving in with another set of parents. Hey at least I'll have him around to lift heavy things and attempt to put together things I buy from ikea... and she can cook for me! (my job is to clean..in a french maids outfit)

Moving sounds like bliss.. except for the kitten part...

Sarah Palin...

So the media is buzzing with Sarah Palin, Republican Vice Presidential Nominee. And I'm having all sorts of mixed feelings about it.

She's a woman! YAY!
She's a republican. Ew
She's a mother! YAY!
She's conservative. Ew

She is getting a lot of flack for accepting the nomination because she's a mother of young children, one of which has down syndrome, another that is pregnant. But I keep thinking to my self... If this were a man, with a down syndrome child, and a pregnant 17 year old..No one would question their decision to run for VP. So.. kudos to Sarah P for running, I respect her for that.

What I don't respect is her social conservatism. While she has been quoted as saying she has "gay friends" she does not support gay marriage.


"Palin said she's not out to judge anyone and has good friends who are gay, but that she supported the 1998 constitutional amendment.

Elected officials can't defy the court when it comes to how rights are applied, she said, but she would support a ballot question that would deny benefits to homosexual couples.

"I believe that honoring the family structure is that important," Palin said.

She said she doesn't know if people choose to be gay. "

It's funny, as the areas resident lesbian, and a political one at that, I get a lot of people asking.."But don't you think she's hot?!" And I have to be honest.. YES.. Yes I think she's hot. I'll take a powerful woman in sexy glasses any day (insert Tina Fey).

But hot shouldn't decide the election.

So to all the lesbians out there that have the same weakness for a hot brunette in glasses.. Use your strength! Avoid eye glass contact! She may be hot, but she doesn't support you, so don't support her!

Neeeew

After that last dramatic dating encounter, I have met a new girl.. We are taking it slow and getting to know each other. She's my totally type:
-tall
-thin
-dark curly hair
-musician
-smart
-pretty
-confident
-creative
-artsy

and so far normal

:D

so far so good, we have fun together, she likes my parents and my friends and they like her... and so do I

Babies?

Damn, sorry I haven't updated in forever.. a lot has been going on..

Lets seee.. the most recent crazyness to enter my life has been really quite dramatic and shocking... it didn't start out that way though..

A few weeks ago, probably a month ago by now.. My friends and I started going to the local gay bar (which is a dump but it's all we have) when we witnessed the ear bleeding inducing karaokee that occurs there every thursday night, to top it off it's admission free and dollar drink night! Well one night when my friend and I were dueting on stage to Like A Virgin, we were rolling on the ground like the queen madonna herself, when I jumped back up and said "If THAT doesn't get me a girlfriend, it better get me a drink" the crowd laughed and we went back to our seats.. minutes later a drink was placed infront of me by a cute girl with curly hair who said.."this may not be a girlfriend, but it IS a drink" I thanked her and then other people started talking to me.. and we sort of left it at that.. well long story short, i got her number and we started hanging out. We got close fast and she insisted on hanging out every day.. which is new to me because I've always been in long distance relationships where this was never the case.

I was ok with spending a lot of time together at first... the first few days were great as she was the most attentive person I've ever dated she gave me all the attention I've always poured into other people but never gotten back.. She made me dinner.. she bought me drinks when we went out.. she looked at me like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I got to know a lot about her and her troubled past and was really relieved to know that she was such a great person regardless... but then three days straight of hanging out turned into five.. then seven... and it got to be a lot. I was never home.. I wasn't able to see my friends.. and I just was exhausted as hell.

Oh wait! I forgot to mention that five dates in she had a terrible day and decided to drink and take pills to fix it and expected me to put up with it.. she insisted I come back to her house with her (we met friends at a bar, where at the time i didn't know the severity of her bad day or her drinking/pill popping ) so i did, but when we got back to her house and the pills were consumed.. and the slurring and stubbling commencened I started to get pissed. I wasn't about to spend my first night over with her being a mess. I understand having a bad day but handling it like that.. yeah..not cool. After having to listen to her say bad things about the two of us and about herself I finally got her into bed.. apparently the drinking and pills didn't effect her sex drive because.. well.. yeah she wanted to, i didn't, but we ended up fooling around. And I hate to be full of tooo much info, but really this has to be said in a blog about my dating life. So, back to the story, as we're fooling around and she's about to climax... she screams " DO YOU WANT TO HAVE BABIES WITH ME?!"....
..
...
......
....
..
.
WHAT!? Yes.. go ahead, laugh.. I sure as hell did.. I mean..Really..

Ok.. so after that night.. I was feeling done..but she insisted she wasn't normally like that.. and by then I was exhausted and needed a day with friends and family.. So i did just that. I made plans and decided this was my night away ..and when she called to make plans and I told her I had some that night, she said she couldn't see me anymore! Who DOES THAT? A little immature.. considering she's six years older than I am.

More drama came after..after a night at the bar she apparently was followed home by a friend who is in love with her and jealous of me, and the friend beat her up..

so after..
- "do you want to have babies with me?!?!"
-"i cant see you anymore because you don't want to spend time with me" (after spending every day with her)
- and after crazy violent friend

i was done.. and she hates me for it..but my god how much drama can one girl take?

Siiighhhhh

Interesting, really... but enough.. it lasted a week and a halfish..

What I'm listening to...

I just can't get Dragonette out of my head! So check out their myspace and watch this gay friendly video "I Get Around"

This just can't be suuuummmer looooove

Summer has officially started. The weather has been really beautiful, days are being spent sunbathing and sticking my toes in the lake as I wait for it to warm... but it wasn't until last summers "Summer Crush" came home recently that summer really felt like it started.

C came home on the first of the month, she had been away at school in Europe. I got to see on the third when she played a show at the local art fair. It wasn't until I saw her smile that I realised just how much I missed her. When I say I missed her I don't mean in the "crushy feeling" sort of way. I missed her because she is one of the most inspiring people I have ever met and being around her makes me feel so much better about the world. She's so optimistic.

Seeing her felt slightly uncomfortable though. Maybe it was the mixed emotions about what happened last summer, maybe it was the worry that something similar might happen again, maybe it was the worry that it wouldn't. It could have been the concern that change during the time apart would make us incompatible friends. It was a mixture of all of the above. But not much was said because everyone was excited to have her home and she was busy at the fair...

I didn't get spend time with her until last Friday at a friends birthday gathering.. before hand we talked about our recent love/like interests and what we had learned from them.. and it was good to catch up.. we had fun.. it was good.. It's nice to be done with what happened last summer and hopefully we can move on as friends..

K Update..

Oh! I forgot to update about K.

Uh.. I need to give you a little background on K. K, is known by my friends as.."that bisexual Mormon girl that was into bdsm that you dated for like a month" .. that says it all.. funny story. I liked the girl a lot, a lot a lot... she was cute and innocent looking.. cardigan sweaters and glasses.. she had the cute librarian look going for her.. she was funny and was always warm... I was way into her and didn't really seem as into me..

Our first..or maybe second date she expressed an interest in BDSM while talking over the Whole Lesbian Sex Book (gag, worst book ever)... I changed the subject because, two years ago I was not as sexually open minded and experimental as I am today.. That was the first and last time we talked about it. after about one month of dating, we were kissing.. and I was unbuttoning her shirt.. and making my way down her chest... when.. I noticed BIG BLACK LETTERS that read.."Daddy's Girl" in magic marker across her torso... that was quickly followed by a "what the hell is this?"

Yeah, well that BDSM interest she had mentioned? She was serious, and well.. she found an online "master" of sorts to ease her into BDSM culture. The black magic marker across her torso was a request..or rather, demand? of his..

Things went down hill from there..

Months later I heard from her.. she said that she had really liked me ( i was surprised, she never seemed as interested as i was..) well I had already met someone.. and was happy.. When I ended up single.. she wasn't...just wasn't right for the time .

Well.. she was the call I got recently.. we hung out..and it was nice she's much or attentive and affectionate and interested.. but now I'm just not interested and I feel terrible about it... oh well.. we can still be friends she's a great girl I just don't feel that connection anymore...

Sex Drive

Hypersexuality is a desire for human sexual behavior at levels high enough to be considered clinically significant.

Hypersexuality is characterized by an impairing need for frequent genital stimulation that, when achieved, does not result in long-term emotional or sexual satisfaction. This dissatisfaction is what is believed to encourage the heightened frequency of sexual stimulation, as well as additional physiological and neurological symptoms.

___________________________________________________________

I like sex. I love sex. Sex is something I think about a lot. It's also something I'd like to do a lot when the opportunity arises. Does this mean I have a high sex drive? Maybe. Is that a bad thing? I think not.

Recently I had a conversation with a friend who is in a brand new relationship with someone who isn't outwardly sexual in nature. My friend, however, is highly sexual. Her and I share a sex drive that is closely comparable, we prefer sexual experiences to occur daily if not more. Granted, we would be fine if it didn't happen daily but.. that's just how much we could and would have sex if the situation were right. So, anyways this friend has a high sex drive and is dating someone who she doesn't feel comfortable expressing her sexuality too (sign one that something is wrong). This friend also feels like her high sex drive is a bad thing which is why she has a hard time discussing this with her new girlfriend.

My advice was....

1. Get over being ashamed of your "high sex drive". Everyone has a different opinion on sex drive, how often sex should be had and when it should be initiated. Some may consider my sex drive low, some might consider it normal and some might consider it insane. If you can't be proud of the fact that you're a sexual woman that you shouldn't be having a sexual relationship. Own it! Be Proud! Sex is a beautiful, fun, and exciting thing. So what if your sex drive isn't characteristic of the stereotypical women we see depicted in TV and movies.

2. Be completely honest. In fact that's one of the first things I'll discuss with someone when we start dating. I let it be known that sex is not only something I'm interested in as a field of study (yes i want to be a sex therapist) but it's also something that I desire quite often. I make it a point to get mine and the other persons sexuality out there on the table and discussed. It's important. I'm not going to want to invest so much time and effort into someone that I'm not going to be sexually compatible with and if you're honest and upfront about it right away you'll be able to get a feel for your sexual compatibility immediately.

3. Start dialogue about what sort of things you like and don't like, the frequency that you desire your "sexual experiences", things you haven't done and would like to try (their reaction to this is key to how compatible you are... example: if you've thought you would like to try some form of S & M or if you've always wanted to invite a third person into the bedroom.. and the person reacts badly to it then you know this person might squash your exploration and therefore may not be the one for you )


That's all you can do really. Accept it and talk about it. Being honest and open and confident with your sexuality is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Telling someone exactly what you want and don't want in bed or giving them a little instruction should never be something you should be afraid of. Get comfortable.. you're having sex with the person, you might as well get what you want right?

This also reminded me of a conversation I had with a group of lesbians over dinner one night. It was me, the girl I was recently seeing, and two couples. One couple stated that they had sex maybe once a month.. the other couple said they had sex maybe once a week. The look on my face must have been utter horror. I can't imagine not having sex more than a couple times a week. How can you just.. not desire the person you are attracted to and in love with? Hell I can't even sleep next to someone I'm attracted to and comfortable with without trying to initiate something sexual and physical.

Sex is not the most important thing to me, really it isn't....but it is important. Maybe having someone accept my sexual initiation is the validation I need in order to feel security in a dating/romantic relationship. I guess I've always felt like.. "oh god, if they don't want to have sex with me..right now..at this moment.. even though their tired.. that must mean.. that they don't find me attractive .." .. I feel unwanted... This is something that I have recently discovered about myself that I really want to find the self esteem and security to fix. I'm working on it.

I am by no means a "papi" from the l word but I like sex, I respect sex, and sex interests me. I'm proud to have a sex drive that of most of my friends combined.


Please.. just let there be no "lesbian bed death" in my future...

Kissing

Kissing. Kissing. Kissing

It's one of my favorite things. Ok, honestly, isn't one of everyones favorite things? But seriously, I love kissing. Sometimes kissing can be so amazing with someone that it's almost as good as sex. I could "make out" for hours and hours.. and hours.

I was a prude about my first kiss, very Julia Roberts a la Pretty Woman. I dated boys in middle and high school but would never kiss them. I didn't love them and my first kiss was going to be with someone I loved. I saved it for H. We were at Cedar Point standing in line for the Gemini when I leaned in to kiss her cheek and she turned her cheek so that I'd kiss her lips. Everyone saw, I was cliche weak in the knees. I think we kissed non stop the rest of the day, it was this whole new thing I had never experiened and wanted nothing more but to never stop. I was sixteen and in love.

Shortly after H. and I split I was careful with my kissing. I only kissed those that I was really interested in and invested in. I was never the type to just jokingly or drunkenly kiss anyone. Now is a different story. Of course, I save the good kisses for those I care about or am interested in... but in the last year I've relaxed more on my kissing rules.

Kissing is something I'm slightly insecure about. I want to be an amazing kisser. I want to be a pro at the thing I love doing the most and I always worry if my skills are top notch enough. I think this insecurity comes after having a bad kiss or.. at least an uncompatible kiss. Recently I had one of these kisses. My lips just didn't fit with theres.. it wasn't natural.. I was more passionate than my kissing partner who was soft and slow. We were both clearly strict bottom lip kissers which made for mismatched positioning, we were unsure of tongue usage and I worried that my signature lip bite might have crossed a line.

Note: this uncompatible kiss comes after having very compatible kissing... maybe i was spoiled by C's great kisses... but when kissing our lips went perfectly into place, it was comfortable and sexy and we were just on the same page.

So I'm asking.. do you think some people are just.. not compatible kissers? Do you think it takes practice and communication? (i do.. but i wasn't comfortable saying.. Um.. ok... "obviously our kissing kind of sucks right now..")

ugh.. I need a good kiss.. one where my lips fit just right.

Community? Where are you?

Last night I had a really good conversation with someone new. By really good, I mean ..really really good. Anyways, we had this fun conversation sort of complaining about the lesbians circles of michigan. This all started because as I started talking to her I was so amazed to learn things about her that seem to be void of the majority of the lesbian population here.... like the following:

-Reading (and no, I don't mean The Giver in middle school, or Magazines.. I mean BOOKS!)

-Caring about the state of the nation and the people in it - Politics, News, Current Events...you have no idea how many women I have met that don't know who the governor or our senators are. I met a woman once who didn't vote or know who our vice president was. to me , that is disgusting considering that so much of our livelyhood depends on the government right? Equal Rights.. Elections.. ect..ect.


I can't think of the others, I know there are more, but these are just the really important ones to me.

I long for a lesbian community that cares about real issues not just who is fucking who.. and when the next Ani concert is.

Background

I decided to finally start a blog detailing my experiences (sometimes hilarious, sometimes depressing, and sometimes straight out of the Showtime lesbian drama The L Word) as a single lesbian.

About Me:
Well I'm a young college student who has been an out lesbian for four years. In those four years I haven't been single for longer than a couple months and have been in two pretty serious relationships followed by a string of failed non-serious just for fun relationships. As of right now I've been single for a few months and have decided to stay that way for a while...

I started realizing that I was judging my self worth based on my relationship status and that I was afraid to be single because, well, that'd mean I was worthless, unattractive, ect..ect.... So with the advice of a few friends, over the past few months I have sort reevaluated my life. I've weeded out toxic friendships and decided to replace my need for romantic relationships with stronger bonds with my friends who I had been ignoring during the past four years worth of relationships, now if only I could find a way to replace my need for intimacy, oh well.

From now on I'll be detailing my past relationships along with new dates, lesbian news, and random thoughts on love, relationships, sex, and the lesbian community.

So... here .. it.. goes..


Oh.. I guess I should mention this now.. everyone mentioned in this blog will have fake names or will be named by initials .. unless stated otherwise.