I survived

I survived meeting the parents! I was so nervous though! So nervous that I had to buy a new outfit and thank god I have stylist friends ..because I even had fabulous hair for the night.

I got there in the evening and met her parents when they got home from work.. her mom was quiet at first after a rough day... but it was fine. Then we had to rush out for a party and then dinner.. so I didn't get to spend much time talking with them. I did, however, sit and talk a little in the morning with crazy morning hair.. and they seemed adorable and friendly. And they apparently thought I was cute.

Sooo I survived, no reason to be as nervous as I was.. I'm sure I'll seem them soon during the holidays..

Christmas Party Date and Meeting the Parents

Well well.. Things with the new love interest are progressing well.

Unfortunately the distance is no fun, but we're making the best of it. We spent last weekend together and I even invited her as my date to my works christmas party. She still likes me after a couple drinks on an empty stomach induced a fabulous display of Soulja Boy's "Super Man" dance infront of the resturant.

My parents both really like her.. so much so they mention it often and ask questions about her and when they'll be seeing her next. My friends really like her too, and of course, so do I.

This friday I'll be meeting her parents, who she is sort of newly out to. I'm excited and nervous.. and I have no idea what to wear.

I'll update on how it goes though! :D

Neeeew

After that last dramatic dating encounter, I have met a new girl.. We are taking it slow and getting to know each other. She's my totally type:
-tall
-thin
-dark curly hair
-musician
-smart
-pretty
-confident
-creative
-artsy

and so far normal

:D

so far so good, we have fun together, she likes my parents and my friends and they like her... and so do I

Babies?

Damn, sorry I haven't updated in forever.. a lot has been going on..

Lets seee.. the most recent crazyness to enter my life has been really quite dramatic and shocking... it didn't start out that way though..

A few weeks ago, probably a month ago by now.. My friends and I started going to the local gay bar (which is a dump but it's all we have) when we witnessed the ear bleeding inducing karaokee that occurs there every thursday night, to top it off it's admission free and dollar drink night! Well one night when my friend and I were dueting on stage to Like A Virgin, we were rolling on the ground like the queen madonna herself, when I jumped back up and said "If THAT doesn't get me a girlfriend, it better get me a drink" the crowd laughed and we went back to our seats.. minutes later a drink was placed infront of me by a cute girl with curly hair who said.."this may not be a girlfriend, but it IS a drink" I thanked her and then other people started talking to me.. and we sort of left it at that.. well long story short, i got her number and we started hanging out. We got close fast and she insisted on hanging out every day.. which is new to me because I've always been in long distance relationships where this was never the case.

I was ok with spending a lot of time together at first... the first few days were great as she was the most attentive person I've ever dated she gave me all the attention I've always poured into other people but never gotten back.. She made me dinner.. she bought me drinks when we went out.. she looked at me like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I got to know a lot about her and her troubled past and was really relieved to know that she was such a great person regardless... but then three days straight of hanging out turned into five.. then seven... and it got to be a lot. I was never home.. I wasn't able to see my friends.. and I just was exhausted as hell.

Oh wait! I forgot to mention that five dates in she had a terrible day and decided to drink and take pills to fix it and expected me to put up with it.. she insisted I come back to her house with her (we met friends at a bar, where at the time i didn't know the severity of her bad day or her drinking/pill popping ) so i did, but when we got back to her house and the pills were consumed.. and the slurring and stubbling commencened I started to get pissed. I wasn't about to spend my first night over with her being a mess. I understand having a bad day but handling it like that.. yeah..not cool. After having to listen to her say bad things about the two of us and about herself I finally got her into bed.. apparently the drinking and pills didn't effect her sex drive because.. well.. yeah she wanted to, i didn't, but we ended up fooling around. And I hate to be full of tooo much info, but really this has to be said in a blog about my dating life. So, back to the story, as we're fooling around and she's about to climax... she screams " DO YOU WANT TO HAVE BABIES WITH ME?!"....
..
...
......
....
..
.
WHAT!? Yes.. go ahead, laugh.. I sure as hell did.. I mean..Really..

Ok.. so after that night.. I was feeling done..but she insisted she wasn't normally like that.. and by then I was exhausted and needed a day with friends and family.. So i did just that. I made plans and decided this was my night away ..and when she called to make plans and I told her I had some that night, she said she couldn't see me anymore! Who DOES THAT? A little immature.. considering she's six years older than I am.

More drama came after..after a night at the bar she apparently was followed home by a friend who is in love with her and jealous of me, and the friend beat her up..

so after..
- "do you want to have babies with me?!?!"
-"i cant see you anymore because you don't want to spend time with me" (after spending every day with her)
- and after crazy violent friend

i was done.. and she hates me for it..but my god how much drama can one girl take?

Siiighhhhh

Interesting, really... but enough.. it lasted a week and a halfish..

This just can't be suuuummmer looooove

Summer has officially started. The weather has been really beautiful, days are being spent sunbathing and sticking my toes in the lake as I wait for it to warm... but it wasn't until last summers "Summer Crush" came home recently that summer really felt like it started.

C came home on the first of the month, she had been away at school in Europe. I got to see on the third when she played a show at the local art fair. It wasn't until I saw her smile that I realised just how much I missed her. When I say I missed her I don't mean in the "crushy feeling" sort of way. I missed her because she is one of the most inspiring people I have ever met and being around her makes me feel so much better about the world. She's so optimistic.

Seeing her felt slightly uncomfortable though. Maybe it was the mixed emotions about what happened last summer, maybe it was the worry that something similar might happen again, maybe it was the worry that it wouldn't. It could have been the concern that change during the time apart would make us incompatible friends. It was a mixture of all of the above. But not much was said because everyone was excited to have her home and she was busy at the fair...

I didn't get spend time with her until last Friday at a friends birthday gathering.. before hand we talked about our recent love/like interests and what we had learned from them.. and it was good to catch up.. we had fun.. it was good.. It's nice to be done with what happened last summer and hopefully we can move on as friends..

K Update..

Oh! I forgot to update about K.

Uh.. I need to give you a little background on K. K, is known by my friends as.."that bisexual Mormon girl that was into bdsm that you dated for like a month" .. that says it all.. funny story. I liked the girl a lot, a lot a lot... she was cute and innocent looking.. cardigan sweaters and glasses.. she had the cute librarian look going for her.. she was funny and was always warm... I was way into her and didn't really seem as into me..

Our first..or maybe second date she expressed an interest in BDSM while talking over the Whole Lesbian Sex Book (gag, worst book ever)... I changed the subject because, two years ago I was not as sexually open minded and experimental as I am today.. That was the first and last time we talked about it. after about one month of dating, we were kissing.. and I was unbuttoning her shirt.. and making my way down her chest... when.. I noticed BIG BLACK LETTERS that read.."Daddy's Girl" in magic marker across her torso... that was quickly followed by a "what the hell is this?"

Yeah, well that BDSM interest she had mentioned? She was serious, and well.. she found an online "master" of sorts to ease her into BDSM culture. The black magic marker across her torso was a request..or rather, demand? of his..

Things went down hill from there..

Months later I heard from her.. she said that she had really liked me ( i was surprised, she never seemed as interested as i was..) well I had already met someone.. and was happy.. When I ended up single.. she wasn't...just wasn't right for the time .

Well.. she was the call I got recently.. we hung out..and it was nice she's much or attentive and affectionate and interested.. but now I'm just not interested and I feel terrible about it... oh well.. we can still be friends she's a great girl I just don't feel that connection anymore...

Kissing

Kissing. Kissing. Kissing

It's one of my favorite things. Ok, honestly, isn't one of everyones favorite things? But seriously, I love kissing. Sometimes kissing can be so amazing with someone that it's almost as good as sex. I could "make out" for hours and hours.. and hours.

I was a prude about my first kiss, very Julia Roberts a la Pretty Woman. I dated boys in middle and high school but would never kiss them. I didn't love them and my first kiss was going to be with someone I loved. I saved it for H. We were at Cedar Point standing in line for the Gemini when I leaned in to kiss her cheek and she turned her cheek so that I'd kiss her lips. Everyone saw, I was cliche weak in the knees. I think we kissed non stop the rest of the day, it was this whole new thing I had never experiened and wanted nothing more but to never stop. I was sixteen and in love.

Shortly after H. and I split I was careful with my kissing. I only kissed those that I was really interested in and invested in. I was never the type to just jokingly or drunkenly kiss anyone. Now is a different story. Of course, I save the good kisses for those I care about or am interested in... but in the last year I've relaxed more on my kissing rules.

Kissing is something I'm slightly insecure about. I want to be an amazing kisser. I want to be a pro at the thing I love doing the most and I always worry if my skills are top notch enough. I think this insecurity comes after having a bad kiss or.. at least an uncompatible kiss. Recently I had one of these kisses. My lips just didn't fit with theres.. it wasn't natural.. I was more passionate than my kissing partner who was soft and slow. We were both clearly strict bottom lip kissers which made for mismatched positioning, we were unsure of tongue usage and I worried that my signature lip bite might have crossed a line.

Note: this uncompatible kiss comes after having very compatible kissing... maybe i was spoiled by C's great kisses... but when kissing our lips went perfectly into place, it was comfortable and sexy and we were just on the same page.

So I'm asking.. do you think some people are just.. not compatible kissers? Do you think it takes practice and communication? (i do.. but i wasn't comfortable saying.. Um.. ok... "obviously our kissing kind of sucks right now..")

ugh.. I need a good kiss.. one where my lips fit just right.

New

So just when I thought I was going to be single for a long long time, I met someone who is amazing, who takes my breath away when I look at her, who makes me laugh and feel so comfortable. We connect so well.. and she continues to suprise me with just how amazing she is. I really like her friends, my friends like her.. Her parents are so cool.. Ahhh she's just great.

It's new.. and I'm excited .. and looking forward to something good..

Reflecting

Last week I went out for tea with a teacher friend and my best friend. We were filling each other in on the new things that have been going on in our lives like work, school, and relationships (which is why I haven't been updating...we'll discuss this later) and I told them both about how I have met the most amazing woman recently. They both looked at me skeptically and I don't blame them.
"You said K was great and she ended up being way into BDSM without telling you" - said the friend, "And you thought J. was perfect until we found out she was a klepto and a cutter" - said the teacher..

They are right.. I've had some of the most interesting and hilarious dating experiences.. so I thought I'd share.. as I did with them that night..

First there was H. My first love, we came out together and the process was so terrifying (though it didn't need to be) for me that I started having panic attacks every time I saw her (mostly because we hid our relationship for a while and lied to our families and this was hard on me) .. . We met when I was 16 and stayed together for about two years.. during which we grew up and apart. After a couple years of an up and down friend/ex girlfriend relationship we're finally ok. There isn't really anything crazy to tell about that relationship considering she was my first, it was long distance, I got panic attacks..

Then there was S. which wasn't much of a relationship, we had been friends via the Internet for a short period of time and then she met up with me at a gay pride event and latched on like no other..she was holding my hand and kissing my cheek within minutes.. We ended up going to dinner with friends that night and on the way back to the car it down poured.. it was so beautiful.. so .. I figured I'd take advantage of this beautiful hard rain.. so I pressed her up against a brick building and kissed her as passionately as I've ever kissed someone before.. we were soaked, it was beautiful, I felt NOTHING. Which was heartbreaking for me because I so badly wanted to feel something after H and I broke up. The sad part was, S. did feel something and continued to latch on and be extremely clingy affectionate (now i'm clingy affectionate, but you know its bad when I can't handle that much touch).. so that was Clingy Super Touchy girl. We still talk, we're friends, and our friends make fun of our passionate kiss (and the fact I felt nothing)

Follow that up with K. Great girl.. This story is short and simple.. She needed time to experiment sexually. something i wasn't really interested in at the time.. She met someone she could do that with.. we parted ways.

Then there was J. when we met it felt like love at first sight. I knew standing right there in front of the sushi restaurant that I was going to love this girl and love her well. Unfortunately J. was broken she had been in a very traumatic long term relationship with a girl with major religious issues who swore her off and refused to speak to her then started dating another girl. J never got closure. I knew that going into it.. I knew I'd have to be slow with her and I assumed after falling for me she'd be fine. Mistake number one. Never date someone who isn't over their ex . We fell hard and fast yet it was a mature relationship and a mature love, something I hadn't experienced before. Our parents liked us, we were happy.. Then I slowly started finding things out that ended up being huge problems in our relationship. The first time I saw her naked instead of being amazed and in love, I cried over every small whisker scar on her hips and under her breasts from years of cutting. I started noticing expensive designer dresses and purses, products of her stealing. She would impulsively buy me things or go on big spending sprees yet she was classic middle class and a college student (credit cards). And then one day while we woke up next to each other and she said.."I love you, But I still love her"... what do you say to that? I stayed and tried, with everything I had to make her love me more than her ex, but for the most part it as a three person relationship, me, j, and her ex. I got her mental health help, I came up with all sorts of budgets and spending plans so that she wouldn't run herself into debt. I confronted her stealing. And for a while things started to go really well.. She wasn't cutting and she seemed happy. This was a lie, she was still keeping tabs on her ex and eventually started cutting again in places that were highly vi sable and dangerous she started spending like crazy and stopped taking her meds.. Eventually she cheated on me with a guy friend with whom she had had a fling with previous to us meeting. After everything, after all the investments in her that I made.. to be wronged like that was just too much so we broke up. Now we're friends we see each other at least monthly. She's in a happy new relationship with a girl and she seems to be doing better. I love her, as a friend, as someone who i cared about very much.. but cheating (while wrong and the whole thought of it makes me sick) was the best thing that could have happened to me. I might still be holding on waiting for the day where she loved me more and stopped hurting herself

Oohhhh then there was R. an older "girl" she was 30... she was funny and cute and sexy she was comfortable but she treated me like crap. She only wanted to see me when SHE felt like it, she only wanted to do what she wanted to do.. but I was intoxicated with this older woman who still acted like a girl.. until the day where in the shower.. after a night of a few drinks..she said.."Have you ever tasted your own poop?".."No, have you?" "Yeah, it's not a big deal"... that lasted for a couple weeks and that was the end of it, besides I was just something to entertain her anyways she didn't really care about me.. but hey that's Crazy Poop Girl for you

Then there was A. who is seemingly perfect we had so much in common, a wonderful girl, but she just couldn't deal with commitment of any kind so through the spring and part of the summer we were sort of on again off again flirty friends with crushes on each other..never more ..We really liked each other, but she goes to school 3 hours away and well, it just wasn't going to work.

And C, we met over the summer, a musician, earthy, inspiring we became fast friends and it turned into something more, more of something than C was ready for or could have because she was going off to school far far far away in the fall. It was lusty and fun and up and down and it tore me up but we had the best summer together, we formed a great friendship and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. Thank god she isn't one of the crazy ones I'd have to write about in a book of fucked up dating experiences

Then S. We met through H. They had a short lived fling. S and I fell into this super fast lustful relationship that looked like love but was so very obviously lust. At first we had a lot in common then not a lot at all.. She had to go to school in ohio and we thought about doing the long distance thing but her insecurities drove me nuts. She wanted to talk allll the time.. every hour literally and texted me non-stop to the point where i had to change my phone plan and I couldn't handle it and when I talked about other girls, friends, she'd get so upset. So we decided to just be friends considering the distance and her insecurities and hang ups..

And you already know about crazy republican girl...

So .. that's when I decided to try being single for a while..I was serial dating (which i think is ok.. to date at this age...meet lots of people but.. it gets exhausting ) and it worked. I developed better relationships with my friends started working on getting back to being closer with my family, enjoying work and school and just working on being a happy person alone so that I could be more secure in a relationship in the future..

Before I was dating to feel validation, by dating that made me wanted.. wanted made me feel good .. I NEEDED that feeling.. and in the big relationships with H and J I invested all of myself and concentrated only on them so when those relationships ended I was alone and drained..

While these experiences were crazy, fun, heartbreaking, and stupid at times.. I'm glad I've had them. I'm so much more independent of the feelings I had during those times.. I'm happier and healthier and being in a relationship is something I look at as an added bonus not the entirety of my life. Its something I WANT rather than something I feel I NEED..

I'm still working on being secure, but I'll get there.

Background

I decided to finally start a blog detailing my experiences (sometimes hilarious, sometimes depressing, and sometimes straight out of the Showtime lesbian drama The L Word) as a single lesbian.

About Me:
Well I'm a young college student who has been an out lesbian for four years. In those four years I haven't been single for longer than a couple months and have been in two pretty serious relationships followed by a string of failed non-serious just for fun relationships. As of right now I've been single for a few months and have decided to stay that way for a while...

I started realizing that I was judging my self worth based on my relationship status and that I was afraid to be single because, well, that'd mean I was worthless, unattractive, ect..ect.... So with the advice of a few friends, over the past few months I have sort reevaluated my life. I've weeded out toxic friendships and decided to replace my need for romantic relationships with stronger bonds with my friends who I had been ignoring during the past four years worth of relationships, now if only I could find a way to replace my need for intimacy, oh well.

From now on I'll be detailing my past relationships along with new dates, lesbian news, and random thoughts on love, relationships, sex, and the lesbian community.

So... here .. it.. goes..


Oh.. I guess I should mention this now.. everyone mentioned in this blog will have fake names or will be named by initials .. unless stated otherwise.