Kissing

Kissing. Kissing. Kissing

It's one of my favorite things. Ok, honestly, isn't one of everyones favorite things? But seriously, I love kissing. Sometimes kissing can be so amazing with someone that it's almost as good as sex. I could "make out" for hours and hours.. and hours.

I was a prude about my first kiss, very Julia Roberts a la Pretty Woman. I dated boys in middle and high school but would never kiss them. I didn't love them and my first kiss was going to be with someone I loved. I saved it for H. We were at Cedar Point standing in line for the Gemini when I leaned in to kiss her cheek and she turned her cheek so that I'd kiss her lips. Everyone saw, I was cliche weak in the knees. I think we kissed non stop the rest of the day, it was this whole new thing I had never experiened and wanted nothing more but to never stop. I was sixteen and in love.

Shortly after H. and I split I was careful with my kissing. I only kissed those that I was really interested in and invested in. I was never the type to just jokingly or drunkenly kiss anyone. Now is a different story. Of course, I save the good kisses for those I care about or am interested in... but in the last year I've relaxed more on my kissing rules.

Kissing is something I'm slightly insecure about. I want to be an amazing kisser. I want to be a pro at the thing I love doing the most and I always worry if my skills are top notch enough. I think this insecurity comes after having a bad kiss or.. at least an uncompatible kiss. Recently I had one of these kisses. My lips just didn't fit with theres.. it wasn't natural.. I was more passionate than my kissing partner who was soft and slow. We were both clearly strict bottom lip kissers which made for mismatched positioning, we were unsure of tongue usage and I worried that my signature lip bite might have crossed a line.

Note: this uncompatible kiss comes after having very compatible kissing... maybe i was spoiled by C's great kisses... but when kissing our lips went perfectly into place, it was comfortable and sexy and we were just on the same page.

So I'm asking.. do you think some people are just.. not compatible kissers? Do you think it takes practice and communication? (i do.. but i wasn't comfortable saying.. Um.. ok... "obviously our kissing kind of sucks right now..")

ugh.. I need a good kiss.. one where my lips fit just right.

Reflecting

Last week I went out for tea with a teacher friend and my best friend. We were filling each other in on the new things that have been going on in our lives like work, school, and relationships (which is why I haven't been updating...we'll discuss this later) and I told them both about how I have met the most amazing woman recently. They both looked at me skeptically and I don't blame them.
"You said K was great and she ended up being way into BDSM without telling you" - said the friend, "And you thought J. was perfect until we found out she was a klepto and a cutter" - said the teacher..

They are right.. I've had some of the most interesting and hilarious dating experiences.. so I thought I'd share.. as I did with them that night..

First there was H. My first love, we came out together and the process was so terrifying (though it didn't need to be) for me that I started having panic attacks every time I saw her (mostly because we hid our relationship for a while and lied to our families and this was hard on me) .. . We met when I was 16 and stayed together for about two years.. during which we grew up and apart. After a couple years of an up and down friend/ex girlfriend relationship we're finally ok. There isn't really anything crazy to tell about that relationship considering she was my first, it was long distance, I got panic attacks..

Then there was S. which wasn't much of a relationship, we had been friends via the Internet for a short period of time and then she met up with me at a gay pride event and latched on like no other..she was holding my hand and kissing my cheek within minutes.. We ended up going to dinner with friends that night and on the way back to the car it down poured.. it was so beautiful.. so .. I figured I'd take advantage of this beautiful hard rain.. so I pressed her up against a brick building and kissed her as passionately as I've ever kissed someone before.. we were soaked, it was beautiful, I felt NOTHING. Which was heartbreaking for me because I so badly wanted to feel something after H and I broke up. The sad part was, S. did feel something and continued to latch on and be extremely clingy affectionate (now i'm clingy affectionate, but you know its bad when I can't handle that much touch).. so that was Clingy Super Touchy girl. We still talk, we're friends, and our friends make fun of our passionate kiss (and the fact I felt nothing)

Follow that up with K. Great girl.. This story is short and simple.. She needed time to experiment sexually. something i wasn't really interested in at the time.. She met someone she could do that with.. we parted ways.

Then there was J. when we met it felt like love at first sight. I knew standing right there in front of the sushi restaurant that I was going to love this girl and love her well. Unfortunately J. was broken she had been in a very traumatic long term relationship with a girl with major religious issues who swore her off and refused to speak to her then started dating another girl. J never got closure. I knew that going into it.. I knew I'd have to be slow with her and I assumed after falling for me she'd be fine. Mistake number one. Never date someone who isn't over their ex . We fell hard and fast yet it was a mature relationship and a mature love, something I hadn't experienced before. Our parents liked us, we were happy.. Then I slowly started finding things out that ended up being huge problems in our relationship. The first time I saw her naked instead of being amazed and in love, I cried over every small whisker scar on her hips and under her breasts from years of cutting. I started noticing expensive designer dresses and purses, products of her stealing. She would impulsively buy me things or go on big spending sprees yet she was classic middle class and a college student (credit cards). And then one day while we woke up next to each other and she said.."I love you, But I still love her"... what do you say to that? I stayed and tried, with everything I had to make her love me more than her ex, but for the most part it as a three person relationship, me, j, and her ex. I got her mental health help, I came up with all sorts of budgets and spending plans so that she wouldn't run herself into debt. I confronted her stealing. And for a while things started to go really well.. She wasn't cutting and she seemed happy. This was a lie, she was still keeping tabs on her ex and eventually started cutting again in places that were highly vi sable and dangerous she started spending like crazy and stopped taking her meds.. Eventually she cheated on me with a guy friend with whom she had had a fling with previous to us meeting. After everything, after all the investments in her that I made.. to be wronged like that was just too much so we broke up. Now we're friends we see each other at least monthly. She's in a happy new relationship with a girl and she seems to be doing better. I love her, as a friend, as someone who i cared about very much.. but cheating (while wrong and the whole thought of it makes me sick) was the best thing that could have happened to me. I might still be holding on waiting for the day where she loved me more and stopped hurting herself

Oohhhh then there was R. an older "girl" she was 30... she was funny and cute and sexy she was comfortable but she treated me like crap. She only wanted to see me when SHE felt like it, she only wanted to do what she wanted to do.. but I was intoxicated with this older woman who still acted like a girl.. until the day where in the shower.. after a night of a few drinks..she said.."Have you ever tasted your own poop?".."No, have you?" "Yeah, it's not a big deal"... that lasted for a couple weeks and that was the end of it, besides I was just something to entertain her anyways she didn't really care about me.. but hey that's Crazy Poop Girl for you

Then there was A. who is seemingly perfect we had so much in common, a wonderful girl, but she just couldn't deal with commitment of any kind so through the spring and part of the summer we were sort of on again off again flirty friends with crushes on each other..never more ..We really liked each other, but she goes to school 3 hours away and well, it just wasn't going to work.

And C, we met over the summer, a musician, earthy, inspiring we became fast friends and it turned into something more, more of something than C was ready for or could have because she was going off to school far far far away in the fall. It was lusty and fun and up and down and it tore me up but we had the best summer together, we formed a great friendship and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. Thank god she isn't one of the crazy ones I'd have to write about in a book of fucked up dating experiences

Then S. We met through H. They had a short lived fling. S and I fell into this super fast lustful relationship that looked like love but was so very obviously lust. At first we had a lot in common then not a lot at all.. She had to go to school in ohio and we thought about doing the long distance thing but her insecurities drove me nuts. She wanted to talk allll the time.. every hour literally and texted me non-stop to the point where i had to change my phone plan and I couldn't handle it and when I talked about other girls, friends, she'd get so upset. So we decided to just be friends considering the distance and her insecurities and hang ups..

And you already know about crazy republican girl...

So .. that's when I decided to try being single for a while..I was serial dating (which i think is ok.. to date at this age...meet lots of people but.. it gets exhausting ) and it worked. I developed better relationships with my friends started working on getting back to being closer with my family, enjoying work and school and just working on being a happy person alone so that I could be more secure in a relationship in the future..

Before I was dating to feel validation, by dating that made me wanted.. wanted made me feel good .. I NEEDED that feeling.. and in the big relationships with H and J I invested all of myself and concentrated only on them so when those relationships ended I was alone and drained..

While these experiences were crazy, fun, heartbreaking, and stupid at times.. I'm glad I've had them. I'm so much more independent of the feelings I had during those times.. I'm happier and healthier and being in a relationship is something I look at as an added bonus not the entirety of my life. Its something I WANT rather than something I feel I NEED..

I'm still working on being secure, but I'll get there.

Advice From One Young Lesbian to a Younger One

Lately, I've been giving advice to a newly out senior in high school. She is this amazing, smart, talented, kind, and beautiful young woman who has decided to come out, and start a relationship with another young lesbian in the high school. I'm giving her the type of advice I wish I would have had forced down my throat when I was just coming out so I thought I'd post it for everyone else and get some advice to give to her.

1. Don't label yourself the gay girl. - when I first came out I couldn't wait to tell the world, I was in love and everyone had to know about it, so I told them. And while I was surprisingly accepted among this seemingly conservative student body, I became "J. the gay girl " I was always referred to as.. "oh that's J. she's gay" and at first that was fine.. but I've grown to realize that I am much more than my sexuality. I'm J the girl who is into politics, a reader of good books, a drinker of good wine, who is loud and fun.. who happens to be gay.. I'm much much much more now.

2. Leave the rainbow bracelets at home - no one wants someones opinion shoved in their face, besides it's tacky! I limit myself to an HRC sticker on my car, that's it. It isn't necessary to decorate yourself with signs of your sexuality, straight people don't do it. And it goes hand and hand with labeling yourself before other people do.

3. Its not always the best choice to pair up with the only other out lesbian in school - i know a handful of people who have done this, they come out, want to be in a relationship and pair up with the only other out lesbian who they might not be compatible with at all but it works because that's all you have to choose from.

4. If you do date in high school don't do this - and by this I mean.. do not, I repeat, do not plan your life around your high school girlfriend. For one, in high school and college we change sooooo much, so much so that we become completely different sometimes from the people we once were and once dated. So if you're going off to college and think you're going to make a long distance relationship work, think twice. You're going to meet so many new people and so many new lesbians, you're dating doors will be wide open which causes a lot of insecurity in the relationship. I decided that I had to go to college near my girlfriend so I applied to a school and got in and when we broke up right before I graduated I was screwed. I was stuck going to a school that wasn't right for me but that had been right for my relationship, and that was the only place I applied to. Stupid. Hey, if it works out that you both want to go to school at the same place that's great.. go for it.. But at this age, nothing lasts forever.. just keep an open mind.

5. Do not shove your sexuality down your parents throat - hell, they are just getting used to thinking of you as adults/sexual people anyways and to throw them off guard with coming out is huge. Do not expect for them to accept you right away. My parents said they accepted me but then found ways to not accept my relationship with my girlfriend and that is because I expected them to be perfectly ok with her and I right away, I didn't ease them into it, I didn't provide a mature relationship for them to be comfortable with at all. It wasn't until my second girlfriend that I was able to prove that my lesbian relationship was a mature relationship and therefore they could accept that. So take it slow, they'll come around.

After giving this advice I worried that I came off a little negative, that maybe my mistakes had made me bitter, so bitter to say.. "don't date that girl in high school, its a waste of time and it won't last" but that isn't what I mean at all.

Take things slow, explore your options.. and take time to step outside of yourself and evaluate the situation from another point of view...

Any other tips ?

Background

I decided to finally start a blog detailing my experiences (sometimes hilarious, sometimes depressing, and sometimes straight out of the Showtime lesbian drama The L Word) as a single lesbian.

About Me:
Well I'm a young college student who has been an out lesbian for four years. In those four years I haven't been single for longer than a couple months and have been in two pretty serious relationships followed by a string of failed non-serious just for fun relationships. As of right now I've been single for a few months and have decided to stay that way for a while...

I started realizing that I was judging my self worth based on my relationship status and that I was afraid to be single because, well, that'd mean I was worthless, unattractive, ect..ect.... So with the advice of a few friends, over the past few months I have sort reevaluated my life. I've weeded out toxic friendships and decided to replace my need for romantic relationships with stronger bonds with my friends who I had been ignoring during the past four years worth of relationships, now if only I could find a way to replace my need for intimacy, oh well.

From now on I'll be detailing my past relationships along with new dates, lesbian news, and random thoughts on love, relationships, sex, and the lesbian community.

So... here .. it.. goes..


Oh.. I guess I should mention this now.. everyone mentioned in this blog will have fake names or will be named by initials .. unless stated otherwise.