For the Self Conscious

I'm self conscious. Surprised? Yeah I'm not either, but it gets a little worse when you're seeing someone and they're seeing more of you than say..your friends and family, if you get my drift.

Anyways, I thought this might be beneficial to all the girls out there who are self conscious about the way they taste.. I read Violet Blue every day, she's amazing and I suggest everyone check out her website Tiny Nibbles and all her books on sex

Super Spunk Smoothie
1 cup pineapple, fresh, canned or juice
1 cup mango juice
1 banana
1/2 cucumber, peeled and seeded
1/2 tsp fresh ginger
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
2 Tbs honey

Blend all ingredients in a blender until smooth. Drink immediately. Repeat daily (and perform your own scientific oral sex taste tests) for best results

(credit: Violet Blue and the Open Source Sex podcast)

New

So just when I thought I was going to be single for a long long time, I met someone who is amazing, who takes my breath away when I look at her, who makes me laugh and feel so comfortable. We connect so well.. and she continues to suprise me with just how amazing she is. I really like her friends, my friends like her.. Her parents are so cool.. Ahhh she's just great.

It's new.. and I'm excited .. and looking forward to something good..

Reflecting

Last week I went out for tea with a teacher friend and my best friend. We were filling each other in on the new things that have been going on in our lives like work, school, and relationships (which is why I haven't been updating...we'll discuss this later) and I told them both about how I have met the most amazing woman recently. They both looked at me skeptically and I don't blame them.
"You said K was great and she ended up being way into BDSM without telling you" - said the friend, "And you thought J. was perfect until we found out she was a klepto and a cutter" - said the teacher..

They are right.. I've had some of the most interesting and hilarious dating experiences.. so I thought I'd share.. as I did with them that night..

First there was H. My first love, we came out together and the process was so terrifying (though it didn't need to be) for me that I started having panic attacks every time I saw her (mostly because we hid our relationship for a while and lied to our families and this was hard on me) .. . We met when I was 16 and stayed together for about two years.. during which we grew up and apart. After a couple years of an up and down friend/ex girlfriend relationship we're finally ok. There isn't really anything crazy to tell about that relationship considering she was my first, it was long distance, I got panic attacks..

Then there was S. which wasn't much of a relationship, we had been friends via the Internet for a short period of time and then she met up with me at a gay pride event and latched on like no other..she was holding my hand and kissing my cheek within minutes.. We ended up going to dinner with friends that night and on the way back to the car it down poured.. it was so beautiful.. so .. I figured I'd take advantage of this beautiful hard rain.. so I pressed her up against a brick building and kissed her as passionately as I've ever kissed someone before.. we were soaked, it was beautiful, I felt NOTHING. Which was heartbreaking for me because I so badly wanted to feel something after H and I broke up. The sad part was, S. did feel something and continued to latch on and be extremely clingy affectionate (now i'm clingy affectionate, but you know its bad when I can't handle that much touch).. so that was Clingy Super Touchy girl. We still talk, we're friends, and our friends make fun of our passionate kiss (and the fact I felt nothing)

Follow that up with K. Great girl.. This story is short and simple.. She needed time to experiment sexually. something i wasn't really interested in at the time.. She met someone she could do that with.. we parted ways.

Then there was J. when we met it felt like love at first sight. I knew standing right there in front of the sushi restaurant that I was going to love this girl and love her well. Unfortunately J. was broken she had been in a very traumatic long term relationship with a girl with major religious issues who swore her off and refused to speak to her then started dating another girl. J never got closure. I knew that going into it.. I knew I'd have to be slow with her and I assumed after falling for me she'd be fine. Mistake number one. Never date someone who isn't over their ex . We fell hard and fast yet it was a mature relationship and a mature love, something I hadn't experienced before. Our parents liked us, we were happy.. Then I slowly started finding things out that ended up being huge problems in our relationship. The first time I saw her naked instead of being amazed and in love, I cried over every small whisker scar on her hips and under her breasts from years of cutting. I started noticing expensive designer dresses and purses, products of her stealing. She would impulsively buy me things or go on big spending sprees yet she was classic middle class and a college student (credit cards). And then one day while we woke up next to each other and she said.."I love you, But I still love her"... what do you say to that? I stayed and tried, with everything I had to make her love me more than her ex, but for the most part it as a three person relationship, me, j, and her ex. I got her mental health help, I came up with all sorts of budgets and spending plans so that she wouldn't run herself into debt. I confronted her stealing. And for a while things started to go really well.. She wasn't cutting and she seemed happy. This was a lie, she was still keeping tabs on her ex and eventually started cutting again in places that were highly vi sable and dangerous she started spending like crazy and stopped taking her meds.. Eventually she cheated on me with a guy friend with whom she had had a fling with previous to us meeting. After everything, after all the investments in her that I made.. to be wronged like that was just too much so we broke up. Now we're friends we see each other at least monthly. She's in a happy new relationship with a girl and she seems to be doing better. I love her, as a friend, as someone who i cared about very much.. but cheating (while wrong and the whole thought of it makes me sick) was the best thing that could have happened to me. I might still be holding on waiting for the day where she loved me more and stopped hurting herself

Oohhhh then there was R. an older "girl" she was 30... she was funny and cute and sexy she was comfortable but she treated me like crap. She only wanted to see me when SHE felt like it, she only wanted to do what she wanted to do.. but I was intoxicated with this older woman who still acted like a girl.. until the day where in the shower.. after a night of a few drinks..she said.."Have you ever tasted your own poop?".."No, have you?" "Yeah, it's not a big deal"... that lasted for a couple weeks and that was the end of it, besides I was just something to entertain her anyways she didn't really care about me.. but hey that's Crazy Poop Girl for you

Then there was A. who is seemingly perfect we had so much in common, a wonderful girl, but she just couldn't deal with commitment of any kind so through the spring and part of the summer we were sort of on again off again flirty friends with crushes on each other..never more ..We really liked each other, but she goes to school 3 hours away and well, it just wasn't going to work.

And C, we met over the summer, a musician, earthy, inspiring we became fast friends and it turned into something more, more of something than C was ready for or could have because she was going off to school far far far away in the fall. It was lusty and fun and up and down and it tore me up but we had the best summer together, we formed a great friendship and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. Thank god she isn't one of the crazy ones I'd have to write about in a book of fucked up dating experiences

Then S. We met through H. They had a short lived fling. S and I fell into this super fast lustful relationship that looked like love but was so very obviously lust. At first we had a lot in common then not a lot at all.. She had to go to school in ohio and we thought about doing the long distance thing but her insecurities drove me nuts. She wanted to talk allll the time.. every hour literally and texted me non-stop to the point where i had to change my phone plan and I couldn't handle it and when I talked about other girls, friends, she'd get so upset. So we decided to just be friends considering the distance and her insecurities and hang ups..

And you already know about crazy republican girl...

So .. that's when I decided to try being single for a while..I was serial dating (which i think is ok.. to date at this age...meet lots of people but.. it gets exhausting ) and it worked. I developed better relationships with my friends started working on getting back to being closer with my family, enjoying work and school and just working on being a happy person alone so that I could be more secure in a relationship in the future..

Before I was dating to feel validation, by dating that made me wanted.. wanted made me feel good .. I NEEDED that feeling.. and in the big relationships with H and J I invested all of myself and concentrated only on them so when those relationships ended I was alone and drained..

While these experiences were crazy, fun, heartbreaking, and stupid at times.. I'm glad I've had them. I'm so much more independent of the feelings I had during those times.. I'm happier and healthier and being in a relationship is something I look at as an added bonus not the entirety of my life. Its something I WANT rather than something I feel I NEED..

I'm still working on being secure, but I'll get there.

Community? Where are you?

Last night I had a really good conversation with someone new. By really good, I mean ..really really good. Anyways, we had this fun conversation sort of complaining about the lesbians circles of michigan. This all started because as I started talking to her I was so amazed to learn things about her that seem to be void of the majority of the lesbian population here.... like the following:

-Reading (and no, I don't mean The Giver in middle school, or Magazines.. I mean BOOKS!)

-Caring about the state of the nation and the people in it - Politics, News, Current Events...you have no idea how many women I have met that don't know who the governor or our senators are. I met a woman once who didn't vote or know who our vice president was. to me , that is disgusting considering that so much of our livelyhood depends on the government right? Equal Rights.. Elections.. ect..ect.


I can't think of the others, I know there are more, but these are just the really important ones to me.

I long for a lesbian community that cares about real issues not just who is fucking who.. and when the next Ani concert is.

Advice From One Young Lesbian to a Younger One

Lately, I've been giving advice to a newly out senior in high school. She is this amazing, smart, talented, kind, and beautiful young woman who has decided to come out, and start a relationship with another young lesbian in the high school. I'm giving her the type of advice I wish I would have had forced down my throat when I was just coming out so I thought I'd post it for everyone else and get some advice to give to her.

1. Don't label yourself the gay girl. - when I first came out I couldn't wait to tell the world, I was in love and everyone had to know about it, so I told them. And while I was surprisingly accepted among this seemingly conservative student body, I became "J. the gay girl " I was always referred to as.. "oh that's J. she's gay" and at first that was fine.. but I've grown to realize that I am much more than my sexuality. I'm J the girl who is into politics, a reader of good books, a drinker of good wine, who is loud and fun.. who happens to be gay.. I'm much much much more now.

2. Leave the rainbow bracelets at home - no one wants someones opinion shoved in their face, besides it's tacky! I limit myself to an HRC sticker on my car, that's it. It isn't necessary to decorate yourself with signs of your sexuality, straight people don't do it. And it goes hand and hand with labeling yourself before other people do.

3. Its not always the best choice to pair up with the only other out lesbian in school - i know a handful of people who have done this, they come out, want to be in a relationship and pair up with the only other out lesbian who they might not be compatible with at all but it works because that's all you have to choose from.

4. If you do date in high school don't do this - and by this I mean.. do not, I repeat, do not plan your life around your high school girlfriend. For one, in high school and college we change sooooo much, so much so that we become completely different sometimes from the people we once were and once dated. So if you're going off to college and think you're going to make a long distance relationship work, think twice. You're going to meet so many new people and so many new lesbians, you're dating doors will be wide open which causes a lot of insecurity in the relationship. I decided that I had to go to college near my girlfriend so I applied to a school and got in and when we broke up right before I graduated I was screwed. I was stuck going to a school that wasn't right for me but that had been right for my relationship, and that was the only place I applied to. Stupid. Hey, if it works out that you both want to go to school at the same place that's great.. go for it.. But at this age, nothing lasts forever.. just keep an open mind.

5. Do not shove your sexuality down your parents throat - hell, they are just getting used to thinking of you as adults/sexual people anyways and to throw them off guard with coming out is huge. Do not expect for them to accept you right away. My parents said they accepted me but then found ways to not accept my relationship with my girlfriend and that is because I expected them to be perfectly ok with her and I right away, I didn't ease them into it, I didn't provide a mature relationship for them to be comfortable with at all. It wasn't until my second girlfriend that I was able to prove that my lesbian relationship was a mature relationship and therefore they could accept that. So take it slow, they'll come around.

After giving this advice I worried that I came off a little negative, that maybe my mistakes had made me bitter, so bitter to say.. "don't date that girl in high school, its a waste of time and it won't last" but that isn't what I mean at all.

Take things slow, explore your options.. and take time to step outside of yourself and evaluate the situation from another point of view...

Any other tips ?

Technorati Profile

Make that a "Bleeding Heart Libeal Single Lesbian"

Recently I went on a date with a girl I knew I would not be compatible with. I met this girl at a bar (a straight bar too) , we'll call her L. She happened to know a friend I was there with and once she found out I was gay this girl was all up in my business.. At the end of the night, after carefully avoiding her ( because she was a stereotypical bisexual party girl) she insisted I give her my number, which I did to be nice but most likely shouldn't have. That was over the summer and ever since she's been texting or calling me to convince me to let her take me out..

So, I gave in, not because I thought this would work, but because I felt bad about blowing her off, and I finally had time post-exam week.

I decided that hanging out alone probably wouldn't be comfortable for me considering I knew we were going to have very little in common, so the friend of mine that she knew, along with a group of girls from work all went to a bar and bowling..

i picked up L. from her house and we drove to meet my friends to go bowling, as soon as we left her house she goes.."shit i forgot my pot.. want me to go get it?" (not so much.. I dont want to smoke pot on the first date..) .. and then she says.."do you think they'll card us.. I really want to DRINK! I brought my fake id!!!" (strike two.. i dont want to get drunk on the first date ) and considering the friends we were hanging out with, most of them are pretty clean and squeeky.. so i was a little nervous.. butI asked her tons of questions on the ride up there.. and that was nice (she has not so accepting alcoholic parents, she was the areas first female wrestler in high school, a cheerleader, and all around athlete)).. and we had a fun time bowling..i bowled the best i've ever bowled..and she was flirty and i was ignoring it a little... she paid for bowling..which was nice.. after that we went to my friends house for a minute and then out driving around looking at xmas lights.... and then..

Dun..dun..dun...

we got in a huge discussion about religion in politics.. first.. she says she isnt religious but spiritual.. so im thinking ok she's not really into god .. maybe into just life in general like me..so i say something like...."ugh yeah..me too i m not really into the god stuff AT ALL" and she looks at me, completely disgusted..and goes on to explain that she is into god.. A LOT.. and that she just isnt into the rules of the bible as much......oh..hmm... shit .. well that's great, i offended her, onwards..

then we start talking about how im so political.. and she goes.."im a republican.. " and i laugh and she's serious.. WHAT?! ok.."what about gay marriage? and abortion?" She says, "i dont think gay marriage should be legal, if we got together and stayed that way forever i would NOT marry you because its just not moral.. and i'm pro-life".. so i go on to explain that i am a very hard core bleeding liberal.. and she's a conservative with some liberal tendencies.. like.. making out with girls and smoking pot.. .. great.. listening to her express her conservative opinions.. made my stumach a little upset.. which is terrible.. i should be open minded.. but when she said that about gay marriage.. i literally STOPPED THE CAR.. and said.."you have GOT to be shitting me.."... she was shitting me not! .... so obviously both of us got a little uncomfortable.. she went from being insanely crazy about me all night.. to really tense.. i hit a nerve... i joked and was like.."see now you dont like me"....she said.."dont worry baby,i can change you" to which i stopped the car once again to give her an.. "awww heeeelll no face"

we went to her house..she invited me inside.. i sat in the bathroom while she took out her contact lenses.. which were blue.. that covered the darkest brown eyes i've ever..ever.. ever.. seen.. she's a beauuuutiful girl.. and she's funny.. but i could never date someone.. who doesnt believe in equal rights.. and not that i was planning on dating her.. i just.. accepted a date invitation to hang out and get to know her.. and maybe make a new friend.. i went into knowing i didnt want anything more..but now that we arent politically compatible.. i'm a little sad.. just because.. here is this girl who is going to date a women one day.. yet the whole time she's going to believe what she's doing is wrong.. i couldnt put myself through that....

after all this.. she thought she was still going to kiss me..to which i said.. "I can't kiss you because you're a republican".. i can't believe i said it.. hahaha..

so after i left her house.. i was certain i wouldn't really hear from her for a couple days..which is fine.. absolutely fine.. i dialed my friends up right away to tell them about how my wild party girl date ended up being supe politically conservative.. and then.. she called me to say that she was thinking about me a lot.. and that she had a good time.. and that we can agree to disagree and that she liked my "little opinions", little opinions? bullshit, those are deep rooted beliefs, "little opinions" large enough give me the worst bad-date-stomach-ache .... oh man, she still likes me..

i respect everyones beliefs and opinions.. but if im going to be with someone, or date someone, or whatever.. that is one of the most important things for me to be compatible with.. is political and religious veiws....

she was a really nice girl, fun, loud, affectionate, beautiful, but the wild party girl with a conervative agenda is definately not my type.


wow, i still can't believe i managed thro

Background

I decided to finally start a blog detailing my experiences (sometimes hilarious, sometimes depressing, and sometimes straight out of the Showtime lesbian drama The L Word) as a single lesbian.

About Me:
Well I'm a young college student who has been an out lesbian for four years. In those four years I haven't been single for longer than a couple months and have been in two pretty serious relationships followed by a string of failed non-serious just for fun relationships. As of right now I've been single for a few months and have decided to stay that way for a while...

I started realizing that I was judging my self worth based on my relationship status and that I was afraid to be single because, well, that'd mean I was worthless, unattractive, ect..ect.... So with the advice of a few friends, over the past few months I have sort reevaluated my life. I've weeded out toxic friendships and decided to replace my need for romantic relationships with stronger bonds with my friends who I had been ignoring during the past four years worth of relationships, now if only I could find a way to replace my need for intimacy, oh well.

From now on I'll be detailing my past relationships along with new dates, lesbian news, and random thoughts on love, relationships, sex, and the lesbian community.

So... here .. it.. goes..


Oh.. I guess I should mention this now.. everyone mentioned in this blog will have fake names or will be named by initials .. unless stated otherwise.