Sicko

When it comes to my ex J, I sometimes forget what is and isn't my place. I still worry about her... I still care about her.. when she's sad or sick I want to be there for her.. but it's not my place anymore. She has a new girlfriend and they're happy and she doesn't need me to take care of her like I was so used to doing during our relationship.

But... recently she had some health problems, serious health problems. During these health problems her parents started a fight with her over her new girlfriend, thus making it uncomfortable for the upcoming surgery. I volunteered to go and act as a mediator because her parents like me..and I'm on good terms with her new girlfriend so I could keep them from anything potentially negative. The more and more I thought about it though, it just didn't seem right.

I really wanted to be there for her, but at the same time I didn't want to offend her new girlfriend or stress her parents out. In the end I tried looking at it from her new girlfriends point of view.. "would i really want my girlfriends ex at her surgery?" No.. I wouldn't. So I didn't go.

Everything turned out fine and she's fine.. But for a good week I was torn on what to do. What if it hadn't turned out ok? What if I wasn't there when terrible news came? If anyone is reading this? What would you do?

What I'm listening to...

I just can't get Dragonette out of my head! So check out their myspace and watch this gay friendly video "I Get Around"

This just can't be suuuummmer looooove

Summer has officially started. The weather has been really beautiful, days are being spent sunbathing and sticking my toes in the lake as I wait for it to warm... but it wasn't until last summers "Summer Crush" came home recently that summer really felt like it started.

C came home on the first of the month, she had been away at school in Europe. I got to see on the third when she played a show at the local art fair. It wasn't until I saw her smile that I realised just how much I missed her. When I say I missed her I don't mean in the "crushy feeling" sort of way. I missed her because she is one of the most inspiring people I have ever met and being around her makes me feel so much better about the world. She's so optimistic.

Seeing her felt slightly uncomfortable though. Maybe it was the mixed emotions about what happened last summer, maybe it was the worry that something similar might happen again, maybe it was the worry that it wouldn't. It could have been the concern that change during the time apart would make us incompatible friends. It was a mixture of all of the above. But not much was said because everyone was excited to have her home and she was busy at the fair...

I didn't get spend time with her until last Friday at a friends birthday gathering.. before hand we talked about our recent love/like interests and what we had learned from them.. and it was good to catch up.. we had fun.. it was good.. It's nice to be done with what happened last summer and hopefully we can move on as friends..

Updates

I have sooo much to write about! I don't have time right now.. but here is a list so I don't forget..

- Last Summers..SummerCrush "C" is home from being away at school in Europe..

- There was a bad ending to things with "C2" ( i need to think of better name for her) but after a month or two.. we've started talking and hanging out again..

- The craziness that occurred with "K"

- "J" is having health problems.. as her friend/ex do I go to the surgery.. or leave that up to the new girlfriend..

- I went to a wedding recently where I danced with BOY(a cute one too).. funny things happens.. my sexuality became a big controversy for a "friend" who was a little jealous..

- My mom has been back tracking on her acceptance of my sexuality.. not so fun

- The recent political debates leave me feeling uneasy for gays in the military

- I got invited to my first gay wedding

and maybe more

keep checking back..

Old Flames Part 1

Things had been pretty nonexistent in the dating scene for me for the last month. I've decided to just sort of, not focus on dating, girls, relationships..yadda yadda.. because it wasn't doing me any good. Then this weekend rolled around and I'm just all sorts of confused...

This weekend I went out of town to visit some friends from school in Kalamazoo. Well A. is from Portage which is right next to Kalamazoo. I've mentioned A. before:

"Then there was A. who is seemingly perfect we had so much in common, a wonderful girl, but she just couldn't deal with commitment of any kind so through the spring and part of the summer we were sort of on again off again flirty friends with crushes on each other..never more ..We really liked each other, but she goes to school 3 hours away and well, it just wasn't going work."

So we decided to get together for lunch.. she was so beautiful ..sigh.. Anyways lunch was good and then we went back to her house and we went for pretty walk with her cute dog and talked some more.. then on they way back to where I was staying.. she put her hand on my thigh..I put my hand over hers..and then we held hands.. When we got to my friends house she walked me to the door and we kissed!

So..here we go again... it's the same story every time.. and I don't know what to do about it..
We're good when we're together, so when we can be in the same place at the same time.. we're couple-ish.. but as soon as we part ways and go back home (which is three hours apart from each other) I don't hear from her hardly at all until the next time we see each other and the cycle starts again.. It happened last year around this time, it happened in July.. again in Feb and now in May...

I know we can't do the long distance thing.. I understand that.. So I try to just be open to .. "when we can be together..lets BE together and when we're not.. there's no expectations?"
but it gets a little frustrating or confusing at times..

Who knows..

I want I want I want I want...

I need this shirt a little..and the girl in it.. oh Urban Outfitters.. you're silly..





I want this shirt too! It says.. "I like it rough" All the shirts at Lochers are adorable and funny as hell! I suggest everyone check them out. Unfortunately they're kind of pricey....

Ourchart .. is not My Chart

Maybe I've been spoiled by myspace of facebook, but I can't stand Ourchart! I'm not a fan of their search methods.. or their profile questions.. or the lack of multiple photos.. I just don't find the site to be that user friendly or attractive. I find myself just emailing people my myspace page when someone adds me via Ourchart.

The creators of Ourchart mean well... but the profiles they let users create lack depth and the connection they claim to be spreading..

Is it just me?

check out Ourchart and let me know.

The Lesbian Friend

Yep.. that's me. When other's talk about me a conversation sounds something like this..

"Jessie, yadda yada yada."
"Who is Jessie?"
"Jessie is my lesbian friend"
"oooohhh "

I'm the lesbian friend. I don't know how to feel about it. I don't want my sexuality to be my one and only label, but at the same time I feel as though I'm providing a cultural experience service to all those around that don't know anyone who happens to love someone of the same gender . I try to be a good role model, I try not to fill those negative stereotypes.. I try to just be me.. and if that means I'm a lesbian then so be it as long is it's a good lesbian.

I guess I'm just started to get crabby about being defined souly by my sexuality. These people that call me..their "lesbian friend" don't mean to say it like that.. just as I don't mean to say.. "remember that black guy, mike?" Ugh.. I hate that and I catch myself doing it every so often..

I just want to be me.. Jessie.. not Jessie the lesbian

Then again.. if being the "lesbian friend" gets me more ladies....then by all means.. go ahead

K Update..

Oh! I forgot to update about K.

Uh.. I need to give you a little background on K. K, is known by my friends as.."that bisexual Mormon girl that was into bdsm that you dated for like a month" .. that says it all.. funny story. I liked the girl a lot, a lot a lot... she was cute and innocent looking.. cardigan sweaters and glasses.. she had the cute librarian look going for her.. she was funny and was always warm... I was way into her and didn't really seem as into me..

Our first..or maybe second date she expressed an interest in BDSM while talking over the Whole Lesbian Sex Book (gag, worst book ever)... I changed the subject because, two years ago I was not as sexually open minded and experimental as I am today.. That was the first and last time we talked about it. after about one month of dating, we were kissing.. and I was unbuttoning her shirt.. and making my way down her chest... when.. I noticed BIG BLACK LETTERS that read.."Daddy's Girl" in magic marker across her torso... that was quickly followed by a "what the hell is this?"

Yeah, well that BDSM interest she had mentioned? She was serious, and well.. she found an online "master" of sorts to ease her into BDSM culture. The black magic marker across her torso was a request..or rather, demand? of his..

Things went down hill from there..

Months later I heard from her.. she said that she had really liked me ( i was surprised, she never seemed as interested as i was..) well I had already met someone.. and was happy.. When I ended up single.. she wasn't...just wasn't right for the time .

Well.. she was the call I got recently.. we hung out..and it was nice she's much or attentive and affectionate and interested.. but now I'm just not interested and I feel terrible about it... oh well.. we can still be friends she's a great girl I just don't feel that connection anymore...