Cheating

Sigh..

I was cheated on once a year ago this month. I've never felt a feeling quite like that. I was completely heartbroken, distraught, enraged.. and sick over it. My girlfriend at the time was the most unlikely candidate for a cheater, she had always thought it was the worst thing you could possibly do.. the worst kind of people were cheaters she thought, and she became one.

It after a few months I was over the ex but I will never be over the feeling of being cheated on.
My mother was cheated on, my aunt was cheated on, my best friend has been cheated on.. and I've seen how it has torn apart their lives and then my own. Yet.. when I was thrown into a situation we're i would have been the "other woman" recently I was surprised at how quickly logic goes out the door and how selfishness takes over.

There was a girl once that i mentioned briefly, S. , she had a fling with H shortly after H and I broke up, I met S two years later, we hit it off right away, immediately attracted to each other and comfortable, we clicked. Unfortunately we met a week before left for school out of state, we tried long distance for a while... didn't work we both ended up a little insecure and there were a few other factors that got in the way.. but we decided to be friends. So we're good friends and she came to visit on her spring break and right away it was like when we first met, we just click and when you click like that you want to act on it.. especially when you are as comfortable with each other as we are.

One problem, she just started dating someone, a girl who she doesn't feel as comfortable with, a girl that she likes and who adores her, but she isn't as compatible with as she is with me.. It was so hard to not act on it. and we did really well.. but it was hard.. very hard. I felt so selfish.. as much as I would never ever want to hurt someone (her new girlfriend) I didn't really care, I wanted to act on what we still felt when we were together, I wanted to satisfy what I was feeling regardless of the situation. I couldn't believe it..

After being cheated on.. I was so close to becoming the other woman..

And it's funny.. the one day i decide..."OK maybe i want to be the other woman" every song on the radio .. every show on TV.. has cheating as the plot!.. Seriously! The L Word, Greys Anatomy, the movies we watched while she was here... It was so weird. We just kept looking at each other like.."Ugh, this is a sign that we need to be careful"

We survived major temptation.. but barely. We're really good friends, we always will be, but we'll always be attracted and comfortable with each other too. It's so hard.. how do you deny what you're feeling.. when you're feeling it? How can you hold back when it feels so natural ? Blah.. I'm glad I'm single for that reason, I can act on how I feel without worrying about hurting anyone.. That's where I'm at right now.. In my life, at this moment, I refuse to hold back, but sometimes you have to out of respect for someone else ...

Friends with Bens

I've always been really serious when it comes to a relationship. I started at 16 with a long term serious relationship.. followed by a second long term relationship.. and now I've decided to casually date. But even now.. I really don't have the energy to even invest in casual dating, maybe I do, but lately I haven't.

I should really be concentrating on school, family, and friends. If I could find someone that blends into this.. then that'd be great. I don't see that happening any time soon though.

So answer me this:

Does "Friends with Benefits" work?

I tried it.. and the times I tried it.. failed miserably. Then again I was emotionally invested in the two people I tried it with. So...maybe if i wasn't emotionally invested?

I really thought, at the time when I tried friends with bens, that I could do it. I really did. I just hate.. when you know you're somewhat compatible with someone, not enough to be in a serious relationship but.. enough to be affectionate and occasionally spend time together. Especially when you're sexually compatible.. ahhh..

I don't knooow.. I think I should be single right now, but I still want to make out.. ahaha

I was thinking about a few of my entries where I attack Michigan lesbians for molding to a specific stereotype.. I really don't want anyone out there reading this to think I'm discriminating against any group. It must seem like I really don't like those stereotypical "fat" "butch" "dyke" types that I've mentioned as the majority here in Michigan. That is not the case, really it's not.

I would consider myself "fem" who likes other "fem" girls. I'm not attracted to that lesbian stereotype that most women here seem to fit, but that doesn't mean I don't respect them. I respect every ones lifestyle and orientation and I think I've been a little hard on the lesbians that aren't "fem" in my blog. I'm sorry for this.

I just find myself frustrated with the lack of lesbian diversity.. that's all.

Location.. Location Location

I'm growing increasingly frustrated with Michigan's lesbian scene. I've mentioned before that the scene is nothing to boast about. The lesbian community here is barely a community at all, and the majority that make up this "community" are either the stereotypical butch lesbian, or they are seriously lacking in culture (education, awareness of the world around them, ect..ect). This was made more clear to me recently when talking to my ex H.

H is soon to be graduating from college and recently went out to NYC for some job interviews. While staying there for the week she went to a few lesbian clubs and claimed that all the women were gorgeous and smart ..ect..ect. She even met a beautiful girl who she apparently hit it off with right away. We started talking about the girls here, the girls we've dated and met.. and how they compare to the girls that she met while living in NYC a couple summers ago and while she was there last week. We concluded that Michigan is just..not the place for girls like us.. to meet.. girls like us. But I'm wondering if that is the case in a majority of places that lacks a huge metropolitan center. So if anyone is reading this that has the same problem in a different state.. please let me know (so i can avoid the state completely haha).

Really.. I'm confident that I'll meet various women that will sweep me off my feet but is it going to happen here? I don't know. People show up right under your nose when you least expect it. After every failed relationship I've always thought "ok that was the last date-able lesbian in Michigan" and I find myself surprised every time I meet someone new that doesn't fit the Michigan Lesbian stereotype. But these girls are rare.. very rare. Would it change if I ever move for school or work?

I'm not saying I'm going to leave Michigan just because the lesbian scene sucks. I can just imagine. "Young Woman Leaves Michigan.. Not Because of its Economic State But Because of its Dating Scene" that would be a great op/ed article for the newspaper.


I think I'm so frustrated with it because I went to the local gay bar the other night with my best gay guy friend. We walked in.. and were easily the most attractive pair in the bar. All the women were stereotypical white trash, ghetto thug, or big and butch. There were maybe two women that didn't fit this description, I swear. The gay men in this town are the same.. unattractive, poorly educated, gross. I mean really, it's the only gay bar I've ever been to when country music is the song of choice during a drag show.. ew. But this is typical of my town which is why I've never really met someone around here and have always had long distance relationships with girls that live in other small towns or bigger cities. Long Distance Relationships... damn that's another post all on its own.