Dec 31, 2008

Mistakes..

The Girlfriend and I have reached a rough spot. It's a result of something that I did. I broke a promise, I broke trust, I broke us.. (i'm guessing you can figure out what happened.. there is a lot to it.. behind it.. that i'm not going to disclose out of respect for everyone involved.. but it was wrong lets leave it at that) We're trying to work things out but it's hard. The trust, the insecurities, the mess.. it's so hard.

It's a huge lesson for me. A lesson in trust, respect, control, the human condition. I learned that everyone is capable of making mistakes. BIG ONES. Everyone, even me. I really can't believe I did what I did. It haunts me everyday. I was selfish. I was stupid.

It's been hard to move on. I'm not the type that gets over things easily (even when I do them to myself). I'm the type that sits and stews. I have to think about it until I can't think anymore. I have to evalute everything. I have to pick it apart. I have to be a little miserable while I'm at it.

My girlfriend does not handle things the way I do. She's a positive thinker.. "what happened is done, lets move on" she says. I don't work that way. I'm trying, in my own way. She's trying to be patient.

I've been so selfish. I hurt her so bad, but also really damaged myself. I haven't been there for her because I'm so wrapped up in figuring out my own issues... I've been an awful girlfriend througout this process.

I've never loved someone so much.. so much that I'm willing to really look into myself and figure things out instead of running and taking the easy way out and running away from it all. I've never devoted so much time in rescuing a relationship. Before, if there was an issue.. that was it. I never worked at keeping it together. Now..I want to work for it. I want to earn my keep in this relationship.

Everyone makes mistakes.
I have made my big one.. one of many I'm sure to make in my life.
But I'll never do this again..

Moving forward isn't always easy but it is definately worth it.

Dec 1, 2008

Ex Marks the Spot

I have always tried to remain friends with my exes.. Why? I always joke that if I ever run for political office I want their loyalty.. but really I think I try to remain on good terms because I want to have some sort of pressence in their lives still. I think it's a control thing.

I'm still friends with H my first. I have remained in contact with J, when I'm in her neck of the woods we usually grab tea or lunch. And the girls I've had short term relationships with are all stil friends.

Recently though decided that I just can not be friends with one of them. I suffered through a very dramatic, painful, stressful relationship with J and remained friends so that I could check in and make sure she was still ok every once in a while.. but I'm still really bitter. Very very very bitter. And it has exploded. And we are no longer friends. Sigh.. I don't know why I was holding on, maybe so I'd have some sort of control over what happened with us. But clearly it was just not meant to be. We have nothing in common other than we spent almost a year "in love". We have grown up and apart. She refused, for years, to get help for her problems and just recently has done so. She has been diagnosed and now chooses to lump all the mistakes she made when we were together.. into her diagnosed behavior, some how justifying it. It makes me sick. I have a hard time being empathetic for her Borderline Personality Disorder when she could have gotten help a long time ago but refused.

I find that I also do this with N. She went back and forth so much during our relationship that when she was finally ready to commit I had a severely bitter and torn up heart. We broke up..and stayed friends..and every chance we get to meet up I passively aggressively attack her for hurting me throughout our short relationship. Why does she even want to see me if all I do is make passive aggressive remarks about what we used to be?

It's time to let go of all the bitter and selfish reasons I remain in contact with the people I've dated. Some are truely friends, while others should have been forgotten... I hang on to those feelings for some sort of power over the situation and it produces such a negative feeling.

Time to move on and be more positive. Let the past simply be the past.