Dec 20, 2007

I survived

I survived meeting the parents! I was so nervous though! So nervous that I had to buy a new outfit and thank god I have stylist friends ..because I even had fabulous hair for the night.

I got there in the evening and met her parents when they got home from work.. her mom was quiet at first after a rough day... but it was fine. Then we had to rush out for a party and then dinner.. so I didn't get to spend much time talking with them. I did, however, sit and talk a little in the morning with crazy morning hair.. and they seemed adorable and friendly. And they apparently thought I was cute.

Sooo I survived, no reason to be as nervous as I was.. I'm sure I'll seem them soon during the holidays..

Dec 6, 2007

Jodie Foster Comes Out? Well it's about time.


Yay to Jodie Foster who kinda came out !

Christmas Party Date and Meeting the Parents

Well well.. Things with the new love interest are progressing well.

Unfortunately the distance is no fun, but we're making the best of it. We spent last weekend together and I even invited her as my date to my works christmas party. She still likes me after a couple drinks on an empty stomach induced a fabulous display of Soulja Boy's "Super Man" dance infront of the resturant.

My parents both really like her.. so much so they mention it often and ask questions about her and when they'll be seeing her next. My friends really like her too, and of course, so do I.

This friday I'll be meeting her parents, who she is sort of newly out to. I'm excited and nervous.. and I have no idea what to wear.

I'll update on how it goes though! :D

Nov 28, 2007

Everything Happens For A Reason....Right?

I swear.. I have some ironic luck.

I meet someone absolutely amazing, like no one I've ever met before..
and she's contimplating a move 6 hours away.

Of course it's way to soon in getting to know her to say.."Don't Move!" but I just have this feeling that if the move happens I'll be missing out on getting to know (that is in the context that I want) one of the most wonderful women I've ever met. But her opportunity to go is a good one, it'd be exciting, no doubt about it and I'm supportive! I am! I'm just going to be disappointed if it happens. But it's a maybe.. We'll see. I'm not trying to be a negative-nancy about the opportunity for her to move, really I'm not...I'm sure she knows this. I really think it'd be great for her. I just wish our timing was better.

What ever happens, happens. If it's meant to be it'll be...
Everything happens for a reason.
I just have to keep living by that.

Until she figures it out we're going to enjoy getting to know eachother and have fun, and that's really all that matters ....

Women like her seriously are a rarity, not just in the lesbian community but in general. In the michigan lesbian community however, she's a UNICORN... (a unicorn? yes.. a myth, a fairytale, rare, ect..ect..) attractive, kind, funny, selfless, funny, driven, happy.. I could rant forever about how wonderful she is but I'm sure you get the point.


Lesbian Communication Dynamics!

Monday in my social psychology class my teacher gave us a handout, the handout was a dialouge between a man and woman in a relationship.. we were supposed to read it.. examine it, explain it.. it was basically a woman trying to have an important conversation about their relationship and the man thinking of everything esle in it.. anyways.. it was a lesson on communication in relationships. Unfortunately it was focuses soley on heterosexual relationships. ..I couldn't help but interject the communication dynamic of lesbians..

I think having one supreme communicator (female according to class) and one non-communicator (male according to class) in a relationship isn't just a stereotypically heterosexual dynamic.. I've always been the "over communicator" in my relationships.. and I've always seemed to end up with someone who is the opposite.. So I think this can happen in any kind of relationship gay or straight.. Yet I have been in relationships with women where it is two supreme communicators.. which was sort of interesting to bring up to class..

"imagine this dialouge between TWO WOMEN" ..
it's true.. it would have been full of passive agressive insecure over communication... sometimes i think lesbians, together, over analyze..over talk..

Anyway, it was nice to be able to interject a new dynamic for the class, the people I discussed this with got a kick out of it

Nov 22, 2007

Sorry, Really I am..

It's been a while I know.. and I had promised to update more. I really should have.. a lot has happened

- the previously mentioned relationship did not work out, too much back and forth.. she wasn't ready, wasn't over someone else, wasn't ready to dive into a "real relationship" ..she was new to it all.. About the time I had given up, she was finally ready to give in.. It just didn't work. We're far to different for eachother as well, something I tried to push aside during the chase. I also learned through this..not to settle. The old me would have stayed in it for fear of being alone.. the new me doesn't need to be in a relationship, being in one is an added bonus to my already very full and lovely life.. I'm proud of this step :)

- last month I was a guest on a panel discussing LGBT issue. Much of my participation had to deal with lesbian stereotypes and coming out with few positive role models. I was the "femme" lesbian on the panel. It was interesting.. I made some new friends and I provided a positive example for the class that was participating.

- I recently spoke to H (my first girlfriend) who has moved to a big city post college and is in the process of starting a transition from female to male. It was really interesting to find this out.. I had known for the last year that it's been something on her mind, but it's still really surprising to me because the H. I knew was really feminine.. but this was a result of the conditioning from her parents. Now that she is free to be herself, as an adult, H. now feels more comfortable to transition. I'm fully supportive and I'm she feels comfortable telling me about her new life changes. It's nice to have her in my life still..

- After breaking it off with previously mentioned relationship ( she will be known as N. ) .. I met someone.. it was a fluke..really. A friend from high school was insisting I meet a new friend of his. I didn't really trust his judgment but I agreed to meet her anyways.. annnnd I couldn't have been more wrong. My friend was right.. she's pretty much amazing and perfect for me.. we have so much in common and she appreciates the quirky things about me that few others have, this is because we share some of the same quirks. She's really great.. my friends like her, my parents love her.. I could rant forever. She lives 2.5 hours away though.. But that's ok! We'll figure it out. She's a great girl and I'm excited to get to know her.

- I watched a lesbian movie today that appeared in my mailbox via netflix "It's in the water".. It was sort of campy.. but cute I guess.. not something I'd really suggest spending the time on...eh

Sep 14, 2007

A Century In The Closet..




Please take a moment to read this inspiring story at Newsweek about Loraine Barr who, at 88, just came out of the closet.

Eh..Updates!

Ok OK Ok ! I know.. i'm so bad at this.. but I promise I'll get better! Really!

a few things..

1)I met a girl.. I was/am crazy about her.. the chase was a rough one. We're very good together as friends but.. then we crossed that "more than friends" line and it was confusing and she didn't know what she wanted and... yadda... we're in a.. RELATIONSHIP now..so we'll see how that goes.

2. Is it a myth that all lesbians like oral sex? Are there lesbians out there that do not?.. Oral sex is a topic I really need to touch base on.

3. Insecurity. I'm having a lot of insecurity issues in the new relationship.. based on past relationships.. and I'm trying to find positive ways to overcome this..

4. Recently an 88 year old woman came out of the closet.. I'll post the story.. it's a must read

5. This Senator Craig Business is disgusting.. It never fails to suprise me when a self hating republican gets outted..

6. More to come..I promise.. I do..

Jul 28, 2007

Neeeew

After that last dramatic dating encounter, I have met a new girl.. We are taking it slow and getting to know each other. She's my totally type:
-tall
-thin
-dark curly hair
-musician
-smart
-pretty
-confident
-creative
-artsy

and so far normal

:D

so far so good, we have fun together, she likes my parents and my friends and they like her... and so do I

Babies?

Damn, sorry I haven't updated in forever.. a lot has been going on..

Lets seee.. the most recent crazyness to enter my life has been really quite dramatic and shocking... it didn't start out that way though..

A few weeks ago, probably a month ago by now.. My friends and I started going to the local gay bar (which is a dump but it's all we have) when we witnessed the ear bleeding inducing karaokee that occurs there every thursday night, to top it off it's admission free and dollar drink night! Well one night when my friend and I were dueting on stage to Like A Virgin, we were rolling on the ground like the queen madonna herself, when I jumped back up and said "If THAT doesn't get me a girlfriend, it better get me a drink" the crowd laughed and we went back to our seats.. minutes later a drink was placed infront of me by a cute girl with curly hair who said.."this may not be a girlfriend, but it IS a drink" I thanked her and then other people started talking to me.. and we sort of left it at that.. well long story short, i got her number and we started hanging out. We got close fast and she insisted on hanging out every day.. which is new to me because I've always been in long distance relationships where this was never the case.

I was ok with spending a lot of time together at first... the first few days were great as she was the most attentive person I've ever dated she gave me all the attention I've always poured into other people but never gotten back.. She made me dinner.. she bought me drinks when we went out.. she looked at me like I was the most beautiful girl in the world. I got to know a lot about her and her troubled past and was really relieved to know that she was such a great person regardless... but then three days straight of hanging out turned into five.. then seven... and it got to be a lot. I was never home.. I wasn't able to see my friends.. and I just was exhausted as hell.

Oh wait! I forgot to mention that five dates in she had a terrible day and decided to drink and take pills to fix it and expected me to put up with it.. she insisted I come back to her house with her (we met friends at a bar, where at the time i didn't know the severity of her bad day or her drinking/pill popping ) so i did, but when we got back to her house and the pills were consumed.. and the slurring and stubbling commencened I started to get pissed. I wasn't about to spend my first night over with her being a mess. I understand having a bad day but handling it like that.. yeah..not cool. After having to listen to her say bad things about the two of us and about herself I finally got her into bed.. apparently the drinking and pills didn't effect her sex drive because.. well.. yeah she wanted to, i didn't, but we ended up fooling around. And I hate to be full of tooo much info, but really this has to be said in a blog about my dating life. So, back to the story, as we're fooling around and she's about to climax... she screams " DO YOU WANT TO HAVE BABIES WITH ME?!"....
..
...
......
....
..
.
WHAT!? Yes.. go ahead, laugh.. I sure as hell did.. I mean..Really..

Ok.. so after that night.. I was feeling done..but she insisted she wasn't normally like that.. and by then I was exhausted and needed a day with friends and family.. So i did just that. I made plans and decided this was my night away ..and when she called to make plans and I told her I had some that night, she said she couldn't see me anymore! Who DOES THAT? A little immature.. considering she's six years older than I am.

More drama came after..after a night at the bar she apparently was followed home by a friend who is in love with her and jealous of me, and the friend beat her up..

so after..
- "do you want to have babies with me?!?!"
-"i cant see you anymore because you don't want to spend time with me" (after spending every day with her)
- and after crazy violent friend

i was done.. and she hates me for it..but my god how much drama can one girl take?

Siiighhhhh

Interesting, really... but enough.. it lasted a week and a halfish..

Jul 2, 2007

Sicko

When it comes to my ex J, I sometimes forget what is and isn't my place. I still worry about her... I still care about her.. when she's sad or sick I want to be there for her.. but it's not my place anymore. She has a new girlfriend and they're happy and she doesn't need me to take care of her like I was so used to doing during our relationship.

But... recently she had some health problems, serious health problems. During these health problems her parents started a fight with her over her new girlfriend, thus making it uncomfortable for the upcoming surgery. I volunteered to go and act as a mediator because her parents like me..and I'm on good terms with her new girlfriend so I could keep them from anything potentially negative. The more and more I thought about it though, it just didn't seem right.

I really wanted to be there for her, but at the same time I didn't want to offend her new girlfriend or stress her parents out. In the end I tried looking at it from her new girlfriends point of view.. "would i really want my girlfriends ex at her surgery?" No.. I wouldn't. So I didn't go.

Everything turned out fine and she's fine.. But for a good week I was torn on what to do. What if it hadn't turned out ok? What if I wasn't there when terrible news came? If anyone is reading this? What would you do?

Jun 11, 2007

What I'm listening to...

I just can't get Dragonette out of my head! So check out their myspace and watch this gay friendly video "I Get Around"

This just can't be suuuummmer looooove

Summer has officially started. The weather has been really beautiful, days are being spent sunbathing and sticking my toes in the lake as I wait for it to warm... but it wasn't until last summers "Summer Crush" came home recently that summer really felt like it started.

C came home on the first of the month, she had been away at school in Europe. I got to see on the third when she played a show at the local art fair. It wasn't until I saw her smile that I realised just how much I missed her. When I say I missed her I don't mean in the "crushy feeling" sort of way. I missed her because she is one of the most inspiring people I have ever met and being around her makes me feel so much better about the world. She's so optimistic.

Seeing her felt slightly uncomfortable though. Maybe it was the mixed emotions about what happened last summer, maybe it was the worry that something similar might happen again, maybe it was the worry that it wouldn't. It could have been the concern that change during the time apart would make us incompatible friends. It was a mixture of all of the above. But not much was said because everyone was excited to have her home and she was busy at the fair...

I didn't get spend time with her until last Friday at a friends birthday gathering.. before hand we talked about our recent love/like interests and what we had learned from them.. and it was good to catch up.. we had fun.. it was good.. It's nice to be done with what happened last summer and hopefully we can move on as friends..

Jun 9, 2007

Updates

I have sooo much to write about! I don't have time right now.. but here is a list so I don't forget..

- Last Summers..SummerCrush "C" is home from being away at school in Europe..

- There was a bad ending to things with "C2" ( i need to think of better name for her) but after a month or two.. we've started talking and hanging out again..

- The craziness that occurred with "K"

- "J" is having health problems.. as her friend/ex do I go to the surgery.. or leave that up to the new girlfriend..

- I went to a wedding recently where I danced with BOY(a cute one too).. funny things happens.. my sexuality became a big controversy for a "friend" who was a little jealous..

- My mom has been back tracking on her acceptance of my sexuality.. not so fun

- The recent political debates leave me feeling uneasy for gays in the military

- I got invited to my first gay wedding

and maybe more

keep checking back..

May 22, 2007

Old Flames Part 1

Things had been pretty nonexistent in the dating scene for me for the last month. I've decided to just sort of, not focus on dating, girls, relationships..yadda yadda.. because it wasn't doing me any good. Then this weekend rolled around and I'm just all sorts of confused...

This weekend I went out of town to visit some friends from school in Kalamazoo. Well A. is from Portage which is right next to Kalamazoo. I've mentioned A. before:
"Then there was A. who is seemingly perfect we had so much in common, a wonderful girl, but she just couldn't deal with commitment of any kind so through the spring and part of the summer we were sort of on again off again flirty friends with crushes on each other..never more ..We really liked each other, but she goes to school 3 hours away and well, it just wasn't going work."

So we decided to get together for lunch.. she was so beautiful ..sigh.. Anyways lunch was good and then we went back to her house and we went for pretty walk with her cute dog and talked some more.. then on they way back to where I was staying.. she put her hand on my thigh..I put my hand over hers..and then we held hands.. When we got to my friends house she walked me to the door and we kissed!

So..here we go again... it's the same story every time.. and I don't know what to do about it..
We're good when we're together, so when we can be in the same place at the same time.. we're couple-ish.. but as soon as we part ways and go back home (which is three hours apart from each other) I don't hear from her hardly at all until the next time we see each other and the cycle starts again.. It happened last year around this time, it happened in July.. again in Feb and now in May...

I know we can't do the long distance thing.. I understand that.. So I try to just be open to .. "when we can be together..lets BE together and when we're not.. there's no expectations?"
but it gets a little frustrating or confusing at times..

Who knows..


May 8, 2007

I want I want I want I want...


I need this shirt a little..and the girl in it.. oh Urban Outfitters.. you're silly..





I want this shirt too! It says.. "I like it rough" All the shirts at Lochers are adorable and funny as hell! I suggest everyone check them out. Unfortunately they're kind of pricey....

Ourchart .. is not My Chart

Maybe I've been spoiled by myspace of facebook, but I can't stand Ourchart! I'm not a fan of their search methods.. or their profile questions.. or the lack of multiple photos.. I just don't find the site to be that user friendly or attractive. I find myself just emailing people my myspace page when someone adds me via Ourchart.

The creators of Ourchart mean well... but the profiles they let users create lack depth and the connection they claim to be spreading..

Is it just me?

check out Ourchart and let me know.

The Lesbian Friend

Yep.. that's me. When other's talk about me a conversation sounds something like this..

"Jessie, yadda yada yada."
"Who is Jessie?"
"Jessie is my lesbian friend"
"oooohhh "

I'm the lesbian friend. I don't know how to feel about it. I don't want my sexuality to be my one and only label, but at the same time I feel as though I'm providing a cultural experience service to all those around that don't know anyone who happens to love someone of the same gender . I try to be a good role model, I try not to fill those negative stereotypes.. I try to just be me.. and if that means I'm a lesbian then so be it as long is it's a good lesbian.

I guess I'm just started to get crabby about being defined souly by my sexuality. These people that call me..their "lesbian friend" don't mean to say it like that.. just as I don't mean to say.. "remember that black guy, mike?" Ugh.. I hate that and I catch myself doing it every so often..

I just want to be me.. Jessie.. not Jessie the lesbian

Then again.. if being the "lesbian friend" gets me more ladies....then by all means.. go ahead

May 2, 2007

May 1, 2007

K Update..

Oh! I forgot to update about K.

Uh.. I need to give you a little background on K. K, is known by my friends as.."that bisexual Mormon girl that was into bdsm that you dated for like a month" .. that says it all.. funny story. I liked the girl a lot, a lot a lot... she was cute and innocent looking.. cardigan sweaters and glasses.. she had the cute librarian look going for her.. she was funny and was always warm... I was way into her and didn't really seem as into me..

Our first..or maybe second date she expressed an interest in BDSM while talking over the Whole Lesbian Sex Book (gag, worst book ever)... I changed the subject because, two years ago I was not as sexually open minded and experimental as I am today.. That was the first and last time we talked about it. after about one month of dating, we were kissing.. and I was unbuttoning her shirt.. and making my way down her chest... when.. I noticed BIG BLACK LETTERS that read.."Daddy's Girl" in magic marker across her torso... that was quickly followed by a "what the hell is this?"

Yeah, well that BDSM interest she had mentioned? She was serious, and well.. she found an online "master" of sorts to ease her into BDSM culture. The black magic marker across her torso was a request..or rather, demand? of his..

Things went down hill from there..

Months later I heard from her.. she said that she had really liked me ( i was surprised, she never seemed as interested as i was..) well I had already met someone.. and was happy.. When I ended up single.. she wasn't...just wasn't right for the time .

Well.. she was the call I got recently.. we hung out..and it was nice she's much or attentive and affectionate and interested.. but now I'm just not interested and I feel terrible about it... oh well.. we can still be friends she's a great girl I just don't feel that connection anymore...

Lacking Lesbians

I feel like I'm seriously lacking lesbian culture lately. I find myself lusting after unattainable straight girls and even questioning if that cute sensitive guy is worth a second thought...

There are no other queer girls in my group of friends.. and I'm not dating anyone who has other lesbian friends like the last girl I dated.. I don't really get into the whole gay scene in Detroit/Ann Arbor.

I just got done reading Look Both Ways the book I mentioned previously..
And the L Word is on it's little break!

What is a gay girl to do?!

I get my kicks by convincing my straight girl friends to kiss me while slightly intoxicated (please note that this always work.. )

That leads me to ponder my straight female friends, especially after reading that book... I've noticed how much my friends have evolved since my coming out. Many of my old and new friends have never had gay friends.. and if they did it was a guy, I was their first "lesbian" .. My friends are so wonderful and open minded now, so accepting. I'm a lucky girl.. But I really can't help but notice how comfortable they've become with their own sexuality since knowing me. I can't take all the credit.. but I've really pushed my friends to embrace their sexuality be it straight bi or gay.. be it inactive or active.. be it boring or kinky... and they're really warming up. My newer friends that are new to homosexuality are always asking questions about it, which I'm fine answering.. and it pleases me that they feel comfortable asking away. I just hope I can provide them with a good example.

It's funny, we always joke about where we all stand on a Kinsey like scale (which is really irrelevant because it's one dimensional.. there is a much better 3 dimensional scale out there that I'll have to post about later..) anyways.. they're number has grown increasingly more gay friendly.. one friend has gone from a 2 to a 5 on a 1-10 scale (1 being way straight 10 being so so so gay).. another friend claims to be a 4 not bad? I think I'd be a 7.635 on that scale ..anyways.. NOT BAD! Not that I think I'm proving the conservative right by recruiting women to be lesbians.. (OK.. but i wish i was).

Oh.... no l word, no lesbians around, no good lesbian movies... I'm sort of itching for something exciting. Then again why do I have to be surrounded by lesbian things.. I'm not just a lesbian.. blah it's one of those struggles.. am I making my sexuality to big of a part of me, I think I am.
I'm not just a lesbian.. that's a just a part of me..

Sigh.. Good news though. Beth Ditto, the lesbian rocker from The Gossip started her own Advice Column in G2.. Google it!

Apr 17, 2007

La la la

Lets see .. You know .. I really need to keep a little pad of paper with me at all times because there are so many things I think.."Oh ! I should blog about that" and then I forget about them.. I'll try to remember

So things have been slow in the interesting love life department... but that could change really soon..

I got an emai from an old flame. K.. .. we're both single at the same time! I never thought that'd happen.. anyway we met up at 2:30am last saturday for pie at an all night family dinner and talked for a few hours.. It had been two years since we had seen eachother and there was a lot of catching up to do..

We also hung out on sunday.. got tea and humus and hung out around town..

I'm excited to see where it goes.. we shall seeeee

Apr 9, 2007

Left...Right..

I just started reading this book.. called Look Both Ways .. by Jennifer Baumgardner about bisexuality.. in the book she describes her first serious female attraction to a fellow intern at Ms magazine.. the two had become best friends, the kind of passionate best friends that are almost consumed with eachother...this happens from time to time in female relationships.. i've seen it.. i've been in them before i came out.. yadda yadda..anyways.. here is a bit of an exerpt that made me chuckle

"I wanted Anastasia and me to be best friends who were also sleeping together, but I wanted my straight identity, too. I wanted to date men, kiss men, hit on men, have sex with men. Men didn't feel wrong; it's just that Anastasia felt right, too."


also..

"take for example, how the character Phoee Buffay on Friends explains looking both ways in a song she wrote for children: "sometimes men love women/sometimes men love men/ and then there are bisexuals/ though some just say they're kidding themselves/ Lalalala lalala..." Less colorfully, Elizabeth Wurtzel put it to me like this: " You have to choose eventually, right?"

... On the contrary. What I'm asserting is that we are looing at bisexuality the wrong way, making the identity entirely dependent on someone rather than the bisexual person him- or herself. If I'm dating a man, I'm straight. If I'm dating a woman, I'm a lesbian. But sexuality is not who you sleep with, it's who you are. It doesn't change according to who is standing next to you"

"Homosexuality was invened by a straight world dealing with its own biseuality" - Kate Millett

Apr 5, 2007

Look Both Ways: Bisexual Politics


I really want to read this book..

get more info here
Last night I talked to my ex girlfriend J. for the first time in a long time..a month or two maybe. We actually had a really good conversation about school, work, and relationships....We also talked about stereotypes with gender and relationships.. I was talking to her about how.. after briefly dating the last girl I dated.. My stereotypes for women in relationships sort of shattered..

I had always thought.. OK.. with women you are guaranteed to have a romantic, nurturing, emotional partner. I was surprised to find that this isn't always the case.. as it wasn't the case with her. So J and I discussed that as a queer woman I'm attracted to women because I believe they will offer me these things.. yet at the same time I shouldn't limit myself considering there are men out there who could offer that as well.. .. meh who knows..

I prefer women but I try to remain open minded about who I may fall in love with..

Anyways J is doing good, the conversation was very satisfying.. She's happy and busy and doing well with school and activities.. She's in a relationship that has lasted 6 months.. I'm happy for her.. as much as I wanted her to be miserable after cheating on me.. I'm glad she can have a happy and healthy relationship now..

Mar 24, 2007

Cheating

Sigh..

I was cheated on once a year ago this month. I've never felt a feeling quite like that. I was completely heartbroken, distraught, enraged.. and sick over it. My girlfriend at the time was the most unlikely candidate for a cheater, she had always thought it was the worst thing you could possibly do.. the worst kind of people were cheaters she thought, and she became one.

It after a few months I was over the ex but I will never be over the feeling of being cheated on.
My mother was cheated on, my aunt was cheated on, my best friend has been cheated on.. and I've seen how it has torn apart their lives and then my own. Yet.. when I was thrown into a situation we're i would have been the "other woman" recently I was surprised at how quickly logic goes out the door and how selfishness takes over.

There was a girl once that i mentioned briefly, S. , she had a fling with H shortly after H and I broke up, I met S two years later, we hit it off right away, immediately attracted to each other and comfortable, we clicked. Unfortunately we met a week before left for school out of state, we tried long distance for a while... didn't work we both ended up a little insecure and there were a few other factors that got in the way.. but we decided to be friends. So we're good friends and she came to visit on her spring break and right away it was like when we first met, we just click and when you click like that you want to act on it.. especially when you are as comfortable with each other as we are.

One problem, she just started dating someone, a girl who she doesn't feel as comfortable with, a girl that she likes and who adores her, but she isn't as compatible with as she is with me.. It was so hard to not act on it. and we did really well.. but it was hard.. very hard. I felt so selfish.. as much as I would never ever want to hurt someone (her new girlfriend) I didn't really care, I wanted to act on what we still felt when we were together, I wanted to satisfy what I was feeling regardless of the situation. I couldn't believe it..

After being cheated on.. I was so close to becoming the other woman..

And it's funny.. the one day i decide..."OK maybe i want to be the other woman" every song on the radio .. every show on TV.. has cheating as the plot!.. Seriously! The L Word, Greys Anatomy, the movies we watched while she was here... It was so weird. We just kept looking at each other like.."Ugh, this is a sign that we need to be careful"

We survived major temptation.. but barely. We're really good friends, we always will be, but we'll always be attracted and comfortable with each other too. It's so hard.. how do you deny what you're feeling.. when you're feeling it? How can you hold back when it feels so natural ? Blah.. I'm glad I'm single for that reason, I can act on how I feel without worrying about hurting anyone.. That's where I'm at right now.. In my life, at this moment, I refuse to hold back, but sometimes you have to out of respect for someone else ...

Mar 14, 2007

Friends with Bens

I've always been really serious when it comes to a relationship. I started at 16 with a long term serious relationship.. followed by a second long term relationship.. and now I've decided to casually date. But even now.. I really don't have the energy to even invest in casual dating, maybe I do, but lately I haven't.

I should really be concentrating on school, family, and friends. If I could find someone that blends into this.. then that'd be great. I don't see that happening any time soon though.

So answer me this:

Does "Friends with Benefits" work?

I tried it.. and the times I tried it.. failed miserably. Then again I was emotionally invested in the two people I tried it with. So...maybe if i wasn't emotionally invested?

I really thought, at the time when I tried friends with bens, that I could do it. I really did. I just hate.. when you know you're somewhat compatible with someone, not enough to be in a serious relationship but.. enough to be affectionate and occasionally spend time together. Especially when you're sexually compatible.. ahhh..

I don't knooow.. I think I should be single right now, but I still want to make out.. ahaha

Mar 13, 2007

I was thinking about a few of my entries where I attack Michigan lesbians for molding to a specific stereotype.. I really don't want anyone out there reading this to think I'm discriminating against any group. It must seem like I really don't like those stereotypical "fat" "butch" "dyke" types that I've mentioned as the majority here in Michigan. That is not the case, really it's not.

I would consider myself "fem" who likes other "fem" girls. I'm not attracted to that lesbian stereotype that most women here seem to fit, but that doesn't mean I don't respect them. I respect every ones lifestyle and orientation and I think I've been a little hard on the lesbians that aren't "fem" in my blog. I'm sorry for this.

I just find myself frustrated with the lack of lesbian diversity.. that's all.

Mar 8, 2007

Location.. Location Location

I'm growing increasingly frustrated with Michigan's lesbian scene. I've mentioned before that the scene is nothing to boast about. The lesbian community here is barely a community at all, and the majority that make up this "community" are either the stereotypical butch lesbian, or they are seriously lacking in culture (education, awareness of the world around them, ect..ect). This was made more clear to me recently when talking to my ex H.

H is soon to be graduating from college and recently went out to NYC for some job interviews. While staying there for the week she went to a few lesbian clubs and claimed that all the women were gorgeous and smart ..ect..ect. She even met a beautiful girl who she apparently hit it off with right away. We started talking about the girls here, the girls we've dated and met.. and how they compare to the girls that she met while living in NYC a couple summers ago and while she was there last week. We concluded that Michigan is just..not the place for girls like us.. to meet.. girls like us. But I'm wondering if that is the case in a majority of places that lacks a huge metropolitan center. So if anyone is reading this that has the same problem in a different state.. please let me know (so i can avoid the state completely haha).

Really.. I'm confident that I'll meet various women that will sweep me off my feet but is it going to happen here? I don't know. People show up right under your nose when you least expect it. After every failed relationship I've always thought "ok that was the last date-able lesbian in Michigan" and I find myself surprised every time I meet someone new that doesn't fit the Michigan Lesbian stereotype. But these girls are rare.. very rare. Would it change if I ever move for school or work?

I'm not saying I'm going to leave Michigan just because the lesbian scene sucks. I can just imagine. "Young Woman Leaves Michigan.. Not Because of its Economic State But Because of its Dating Scene" that would be a great op/ed article for the newspaper.


I think I'm so frustrated with it because I went to the local gay bar the other night with my best gay guy friend. We walked in.. and were easily the most attractive pair in the bar. All the women were stereotypical white trash, ghetto thug, or big and butch. There were maybe two women that didn't fit this description, I swear. The gay men in this town are the same.. unattractive, poorly educated, gross. I mean really, it's the only gay bar I've ever been to when country music is the song of choice during a drag show.. ew. But this is typical of my town which is why I've never really met someone around here and have always had long distance relationships with girls that live in other small towns or bigger cities. Long Distance Relationships... damn that's another post all on its own.

Feb 27, 2007

Sex Drive

Hypersexuality is a desire for human sexual behavior at levels high enough to be considered clinically significant.

Hypersexuality is characterized by an impairing need for frequent genital stimulation that, when achieved, does not result in long-term emotional or sexual satisfaction. This dissatisfaction is what is believed to encourage the heightened frequency of sexual stimulation, as well as additional physiological and neurological symptoms.

___________________________________________________________

I like sex. I love sex. Sex is something I think about a lot. It's also something I'd like to do a lot when the opportunity arises. Does this mean I have a high sex drive? Maybe. Is that a bad thing? I think not.

Recently I had a conversation with a friend who is in a brand new relationship with someone who isn't outwardly sexual in nature. My friend, however, is highly sexual. Her and I share a sex drive that is closely comparable, we prefer sexual experiences to occur daily if not more. Granted, we would be fine if it didn't happen daily but.. that's just how much we could and would have sex if the situation were right. So, anyways this friend has a high sex drive and is dating someone who she doesn't feel comfortable expressing her sexuality too (sign one that something is wrong). This friend also feels like her high sex drive is a bad thing which is why she has a hard time discussing this with her new girlfriend.

My advice was....

1. Get over being ashamed of your "high sex drive". Everyone has a different opinion on sex drive, how often sex should be had and when it should be initiated. Some may consider my sex drive low, some might consider it normal and some might consider it insane. If you can't be proud of the fact that you're a sexual woman that you shouldn't be having a sexual relationship. Own it! Be Proud! Sex is a beautiful, fun, and exciting thing. So what if your sex drive isn't characteristic of the stereotypical women we see depicted in TV and movies.

2. Be completely honest. In fact that's one of the first things I'll discuss with someone when we start dating. I let it be known that sex is not only something I'm interested in as a field of study (yes i want to be a sex therapist) but it's also something that I desire quite often. I make it a point to get mine and the other persons sexuality out there on the table and discussed. It's important. I'm not going to want to invest so much time and effort into someone that I'm not going to be sexually compatible with and if you're honest and upfront about it right away you'll be able to get a feel for your sexual compatibility immediately.

3. Start dialogue about what sort of things you like and don't like, the frequency that you desire your "sexual experiences", things you haven't done and would like to try (their reaction to this is key to how compatible you are... example: if you've thought you would like to try some form of S & M or if you've always wanted to invite a third person into the bedroom.. and the person reacts badly to it then you know this person might squash your exploration and therefore may not be the one for you )


That's all you can do really. Accept it and talk about it. Being honest and open and confident with your sexuality is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Telling someone exactly what you want and don't want in bed or giving them a little instruction should never be something you should be afraid of. Get comfortable.. you're having sex with the person, you might as well get what you want right?

This also reminded me of a conversation I had with a group of lesbians over dinner one night. It was me, the girl I was recently seeing, and two couples. One couple stated that they had sex maybe once a month.. the other couple said they had sex maybe once a week. The look on my face must have been utter horror. I can't imagine not having sex more than a couple times a week. How can you just.. not desire the person you are attracted to and in love with? Hell I can't even sleep next to someone I'm attracted to and comfortable with without trying to initiate something sexual and physical.

Sex is not the most important thing to me, really it isn't....but it is important. Maybe having someone accept my sexual initiation is the validation I need in order to feel security in a dating/romantic relationship. I guess I've always felt like.. "oh god, if they don't want to have sex with me..right now..at this moment.. even though their tired.. that must mean.. that they don't find me attractive .." .. I feel unwanted... This is something that I have recently discovered about myself that I really want to find the self esteem and security to fix. I'm working on it.

I am by no means a "papi" from the l word but I like sex, I respect sex, and sex interests me. I'm proud to have a sex drive that of most of my friends combined.


Please.. just let there be no "lesbian bed death" in my future...

Cough.. Cough Cough!

Kissing Update..


I got a cold from the kiss I was writing about. That's ok I knew what I was getting into. Better start drinking more tea and orange juice.

Feb 26, 2007

Kissing

Kissing. Kissing. Kissing

It's one of my favorite things. Ok, honestly, isn't one of everyones favorite things? But seriously, I love kissing. Sometimes kissing can be so amazing with someone that it's almost as good as sex. I could "make out" for hours and hours.. and hours.

I was a prude about my first kiss, very Julia Roberts a la Pretty Woman. I dated boys in middle and high school but would never kiss them. I didn't love them and my first kiss was going to be with someone I loved. I saved it for H. We were at Cedar Point standing in line for the Gemini when I leaned in to kiss her cheek and she turned her cheek so that I'd kiss her lips. Everyone saw, I was cliche weak in the knees. I think we kissed non stop the rest of the day, it was this whole new thing I had never experiened and wanted nothing more but to never stop. I was sixteen and in love.

Shortly after H. and I split I was careful with my kissing. I only kissed those that I was really interested in and invested in. I was never the type to just jokingly or drunkenly kiss anyone. Now is a different story. Of course, I save the good kisses for those I care about or am interested in... but in the last year I've relaxed more on my kissing rules.

Kissing is something I'm slightly insecure about. I want to be an amazing kisser. I want to be a pro at the thing I love doing the most and I always worry if my skills are top notch enough. I think this insecurity comes after having a bad kiss or.. at least an uncompatible kiss. Recently I had one of these kisses. My lips just didn't fit with theres.. it wasn't natural.. I was more passionate than my kissing partner who was soft and slow. We were both clearly strict bottom lip kissers which made for mismatched positioning, we were unsure of tongue usage and I worried that my signature lip bite might have crossed a line.

Note: this uncompatible kiss comes after having very compatible kissing... maybe i was spoiled by C's great kisses... but when kissing our lips went perfectly into place, it was comfortable and sexy and we were just on the same page.

So I'm asking.. do you think some people are just.. not compatible kissers? Do you think it takes practice and communication? (i do.. but i wasn't comfortable saying.. Um.. ok... "obviously our kissing kind of sucks right now..")

ugh.. I need a good kiss.. one where my lips fit just right.

Back! I'm back!

Wow, I took a break that ended up being longer than it should. I met someone and decided it wouldn't be fair to blog about it publicly so I stepped back from my brand new blog, but now I'm back! Is that a good thing? Who knows.. yes and no.

There is so much I need to blog about, my insecurities, what I'm expecting right now, what I need and shouldn't need right now.. Kissing, Sex, Some lesbian news stuff like that.. so expect new stuff!

Alright?

Alright...!

Jan 7, 2007

For the Self Conscious

I'm self conscious. Surprised? Yeah I'm not either, but it gets a little worse when you're seeing someone and they're seeing more of you than say..your friends and family, if you get my drift.

Anyways, I thought this might be beneficial to all the girls out there who are self conscious about the way they taste.. I read Violet Blue every day, she's amazing and I suggest everyone check out her website Tiny Nibbles and all her books on sex


Super Spunk Smoothie
1 cup pineapple, fresh, canned or juice
1 cup mango juice
1 banana
1/2 cucumber, peeled and seeded
1/2 tsp fresh ginger
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
2 Tbs honey

Blend all ingredients in a blender until smooth. Drink immediately. Repeat daily (and perform your own scientific oral sex taste tests) for best results

(credit: Violet Blue and the Open Source Sex podcast)

New

So just when I thought I was going to be single for a long long time, I met someone who is amazing, who takes my breath away when I look at her, who makes me laugh and feel so comfortable. We connect so well.. and she continues to suprise me with just how amazing she is. I really like her friends, my friends like her.. Her parents are so cool.. Ahhh she's just great.

It's new.. and I'm excited .. and looking forward to something good..

Reflecting

Last week I went out for tea with a teacher friend and my best friend. We were filling each other in on the new things that have been going on in our lives like work, school, and relationships (which is why I haven't been updating...we'll discuss this later) and I told them both about how I have met the most amazing woman recently. They both looked at me skeptically and I don't blame them.
"You said K was great and she ended up being way into BDSM without telling you" - said the friend, "And you thought J. was perfect until we found out she was a klepto and a cutter" - said the teacher..

They are right.. I've had some of the most interesting and hilarious dating experiences.. so I thought I'd share.. as I did with them that night..

First there was H. My first love, we came out together and the process was so terrifying (though it didn't need to be) for me that I started having panic attacks every time I saw her (mostly because we hid our relationship for a while and lied to our families and this was hard on me) .. . We met when I was 16 and stayed together for about two years.. during which we grew up and apart. After a couple years of an up and down friend/ex girlfriend relationship we're finally ok. There isn't really anything crazy to tell about that relationship considering she was my first, it was long distance, I got panic attacks..

Then there was S. which wasn't much of a relationship, we had been friends via the Internet for a short period of time and then she met up with me at a gay pride event and latched on like no other..she was holding my hand and kissing my cheek within minutes.. We ended up going to dinner with friends that night and on the way back to the car it down poured.. it was so beautiful.. so .. I figured I'd take advantage of this beautiful hard rain.. so I pressed her up against a brick building and kissed her as passionately as I've ever kissed someone before.. we were soaked, it was beautiful, I felt NOTHING. Which was heartbreaking for me because I so badly wanted to feel something after H and I broke up. The sad part was, S. did feel something and continued to latch on and be extremely clingy affectionate (now i'm clingy affectionate, but you know its bad when I can't handle that much touch).. so that was Clingy Super Touchy girl. We still talk, we're friends, and our friends make fun of our passionate kiss (and the fact I felt nothing)

Follow that up with K. Great girl.. This story is short and simple.. She needed time to experiment sexually. something i wasn't really interested in at the time.. She met someone she could do that with.. we parted ways.

Then there was J. when we met it felt like love at first sight. I knew standing right there in front of the sushi restaurant that I was going to love this girl and love her well. Unfortunately J. was broken she had been in a very traumatic long term relationship with a girl with major religious issues who swore her off and refused to speak to her then started dating another girl. J never got closure. I knew that going into it.. I knew I'd have to be slow with her and I assumed after falling for me she'd be fine. Mistake number one. Never date someone who isn't over their ex . We fell hard and fast yet it was a mature relationship and a mature love, something I hadn't experienced before. Our parents liked us, we were happy.. Then I slowly started finding things out that ended up being huge problems in our relationship. The first time I saw her naked instead of being amazed and in love, I cried over every small whisker scar on her hips and under her breasts from years of cutting. I started noticing expensive designer dresses and purses, products of her stealing. She would impulsively buy me things or go on big spending sprees yet she was classic middle class and a college student (credit cards). And then one day while we woke up next to each other and she said.."I love you, But I still love her"... what do you say to that? I stayed and tried, with everything I had to make her love me more than her ex, but for the most part it as a three person relationship, me, j, and her ex. I got her mental health help, I came up with all sorts of budgets and spending plans so that she wouldn't run herself into debt. I confronted her stealing. And for a while things started to go really well.. She wasn't cutting and she seemed happy. This was a lie, she was still keeping tabs on her ex and eventually started cutting again in places that were highly vi sable and dangerous she started spending like crazy and stopped taking her meds.. Eventually she cheated on me with a guy friend with whom she had had a fling with previous to us meeting. After everything, after all the investments in her that I made.. to be wronged like that was just too much so we broke up. Now we're friends we see each other at least monthly. She's in a happy new relationship with a girl and she seems to be doing better. I love her, as a friend, as someone who i cared about very much.. but cheating (while wrong and the whole thought of it makes me sick) was the best thing that could have happened to me. I might still be holding on waiting for the day where she loved me more and stopped hurting herself

Oohhhh then there was R. an older "girl" she was 30... she was funny and cute and sexy she was comfortable but she treated me like crap. She only wanted to see me when SHE felt like it, she only wanted to do what she wanted to do.. but I was intoxicated with this older woman who still acted like a girl.. until the day where in the shower.. after a night of a few drinks..she said.."Have you ever tasted your own poop?".."No, have you?" "Yeah, it's not a big deal"... that lasted for a couple weeks and that was the end of it, besides I was just something to entertain her anyways she didn't really care about me.. but hey that's Crazy Poop Girl for you

Then there was A. who is seemingly perfect we had so much in common, a wonderful girl, but she just couldn't deal with commitment of any kind so through the spring and part of the summer we were sort of on again off again flirty friends with crushes on each other..never more ..We really liked each other, but she goes to school 3 hours away and well, it just wasn't going to work.

And C, we met over the summer, a musician, earthy, inspiring we became fast friends and it turned into something more, more of something than C was ready for or could have because she was going off to school far far far away in the fall. It was lusty and fun and up and down and it tore me up but we had the best summer together, we formed a great friendship and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. Thank god she isn't one of the crazy ones I'd have to write about in a book of fucked up dating experiences

Then S. We met through H. They had a short lived fling. S and I fell into this super fast lustful relationship that looked like love but was so very obviously lust. At first we had a lot in common then not a lot at all.. She had to go to school in ohio and we thought about doing the long distance thing but her insecurities drove me nuts. She wanted to talk allll the time.. every hour literally and texted me non-stop to the point where i had to change my phone plan and I couldn't handle it and when I talked about other girls, friends, she'd get so upset. So we decided to just be friends considering the distance and her insecurities and hang ups..

And you already know about crazy republican girl...

So .. that's when I decided to try being single for a while..I was serial dating (which i think is ok.. to date at this age...meet lots of people but.. it gets exhausting ) and it worked. I developed better relationships with my friends started working on getting back to being closer with my family, enjoying work and school and just working on being a happy person alone so that I could be more secure in a relationship in the future..

Before I was dating to feel validation, by dating that made me wanted.. wanted made me feel good .. I NEEDED that feeling.. and in the big relationships with H and J I invested all of myself and concentrated only on them so when those relationships ended I was alone and drained..

While these experiences were crazy, fun, heartbreaking, and stupid at times.. I'm glad I've had them. I'm so much more independent of the feelings I had during those times.. I'm happier and healthier and being in a relationship is something I look at as an added bonus not the entirety of my life. Its something I WANT rather than something I feel I NEED..

I'm still working on being secure, but I'll get there.