The Lesbian Friend

Yep.. that's me. When other's talk about me a conversation sounds something like this..

"Jessie, yadda yada yada."
"Who is Jessie?"
"Jessie is my lesbian friend"
"oooohhh "

I'm the lesbian friend. I don't know how to feel about it. I don't want my sexuality to be my one and only label, but at the same time I feel as though I'm providing a cultural experience service to all those around that don't know anyone who happens to love someone of the same gender . I try to be a good role model, I try not to fill those negative stereotypes.. I try to just be me.. and if that means I'm a lesbian then so be it as long is it's a good lesbian.

I guess I'm just started to get crabby about being defined souly by my sexuality. These people that call me..their "lesbian friend" don't mean to say it like that.. just as I don't mean to say.. "remember that black guy, mike?" Ugh.. I hate that and I catch myself doing it every so often..

I just want to be me.. Jessie.. not Jessie the lesbian

Then again.. if being the "lesbian friend" gets me more ladies....then by all means.. go ahead

K Update..

Oh! I forgot to update about K.

Uh.. I need to give you a little background on K. K, is known by my friends as.."that bisexual Mormon girl that was into bdsm that you dated for like a month" .. that says it all.. funny story. I liked the girl a lot, a lot a lot... she was cute and innocent looking.. cardigan sweaters and glasses.. she had the cute librarian look going for her.. she was funny and was always warm... I was way into her and didn't really seem as into me..

Our first..or maybe second date she expressed an interest in BDSM while talking over the Whole Lesbian Sex Book (gag, worst book ever)... I changed the subject because, two years ago I was not as sexually open minded and experimental as I am today.. That was the first and last time we talked about it. after about one month of dating, we were kissing.. and I was unbuttoning her shirt.. and making my way down her chest... when.. I noticed BIG BLACK LETTERS that read.."Daddy's Girl" in magic marker across her torso... that was quickly followed by a "what the hell is this?"

Yeah, well that BDSM interest she had mentioned? She was serious, and well.. she found an online "master" of sorts to ease her into BDSM culture. The black magic marker across her torso was a request..or rather, demand? of his..

Things went down hill from there..

Months later I heard from her.. she said that she had really liked me ( i was surprised, she never seemed as interested as i was..) well I had already met someone.. and was happy.. When I ended up single.. she wasn't...just wasn't right for the time .

Well.. she was the call I got recently.. we hung out..and it was nice she's much or attentive and affectionate and interested.. but now I'm just not interested and I feel terrible about it... oh well.. we can still be friends she's a great girl I just don't feel that connection anymore...

Lacking Lesbians

I feel like I'm seriously lacking lesbian culture lately. I find myself lusting after unattainable straight girls and even questioning if that cute sensitive guy is worth a second thought...

There are no other queer girls in my group of friends.. and I'm not dating anyone who has other lesbian friends like the last girl I dated.. I don't really get into the whole gay scene in Detroit/Ann Arbor.

I just got done reading Look Both Ways the book I mentioned previously..
And the L Word is on it's little break!

What is a gay girl to do?!

I get my kicks by convincing my straight girl friends to kiss me while slightly intoxicated (please note that this always work.. )

That leads me to ponder my straight female friends, especially after reading that book... I've noticed how much my friends have evolved since my coming out. Many of my old and new friends have never had gay friends.. and if they did it was a guy, I was their first "lesbian" .. My friends are so wonderful and open minded now, so accepting. I'm a lucky girl.. But I really can't help but notice how comfortable they've become with their own sexuality since knowing me. I can't take all the credit.. but I've really pushed my friends to embrace their sexuality be it straight bi or gay.. be it inactive or active.. be it boring or kinky... and they're really warming up. My newer friends that are new to homosexuality are always asking questions about it, which I'm fine answering.. and it pleases me that they feel comfortable asking away. I just hope I can provide them with a good example.

It's funny, we always joke about where we all stand on a Kinsey like scale (which is really irrelevant because it's one dimensional.. there is a much better 3 dimensional scale out there that I'll have to post about later..) anyways.. they're number has grown increasingly more gay friendly.. one friend has gone from a 2 to a 5 on a 1-10 scale (1 being way straight 10 being so so so gay).. another friend claims to be a 4 not bad? I think I'd be a 7.635 on that scale ..anyways.. NOT BAD! Not that I think I'm proving the conservative right by recruiting women to be lesbians.. (OK.. but i wish i was).

Oh.... no l word, no lesbians around, no good lesbian movies... I'm sort of itching for something exciting. Then again why do I have to be surrounded by lesbian things.. I'm not just a lesbian.. blah it's one of those struggles.. am I making my sexuality to big of a part of me, I think I am.
I'm not just a lesbian.. that's a just a part of me..

Sigh.. Good news though. Beth Ditto, the lesbian rocker from The Gossip started her own Advice Column in G2.. Google it!

La la la

Lets see .. You know .. I really need to keep a little pad of paper with me at all times because there are so many things I think.."Oh ! I should blog about that" and then I forget about them.. I'll try to remember

So things have been slow in the interesting love life department... but that could change really soon..

I got an emai from an old flame. K.. .. we're both single at the same time! I never thought that'd happen.. anyway we met up at 2:30am last saturday for pie at an all night family dinner and talked for a few hours.. It had been two years since we had seen eachother and there was a lot of catching up to do..

We also hung out on sunday.. got tea and humus and hung out around town..

I'm excited to see where it goes.. we shall seeeee

Left...Right..

I just started reading this book.. called Look Both Ways .. by Jennifer Baumgardner about bisexuality.. in the book she describes her first serious female attraction to a fellow intern at Ms magazine.. the two had become best friends, the kind of passionate best friends that are almost consumed with eachother...this happens from time to time in female relationships.. i've seen it.. i've been in them before i came out.. yadda yadda..anyways.. here is a bit of an exerpt that made me chuckle

"I wanted Anastasia and me to be best friends who were also sleeping together, but I wanted my straight identity, too. I wanted to date men, kiss men, hit on men, have sex with men. Men didn't feel wrong; it's just that Anastasia felt right, too."


also..

"take for example, how the character Phoee Buffay on Friends explains looking both ways in a song she wrote for children: "sometimes men love women/sometimes men love men/ and then there are bisexuals/ though some just say they're kidding themselves/ Lalalala lalala..." Less colorfully, Elizabeth Wurtzel put it to me like this: " You have to choose eventually, right?"

... On the contrary. What I'm asserting is that we are looing at bisexuality the wrong way, making the identity entirely dependent on someone rather than the bisexual person him- or herself. If I'm dating a man, I'm straight. If I'm dating a woman, I'm a lesbian. But sexuality is not who you sleep with, it's who you are. It doesn't change according to who is standing next to you"

"Homosexuality was invened by a straight world dealing with its own biseuality" - Kate Millett

Look Both Ways: Bisexual Politics

I really want to read this book..

get more info here

Last night I talked to my ex girlfriend J. for the first time in a long time..a month or two maybe. We actually had a really good conversation about school, work, and relationships....We also talked about stereotypes with gender and relationships.. I was talking to her about how.. after briefly dating the last girl I dated.. My stereotypes for women in relationships sort of shattered..

I had always thought.. OK.. with women you are guaranteed to have a romantic, nurturing, emotional partner. I was surprised to find that this isn't always the case.. as it wasn't the case with her. So J and I discussed that as a queer woman I'm attracted to women because I believe they will offer me these things.. yet at the same time I shouldn't limit myself considering there are men out there who could offer that as well.. .. meh who knows..

I prefer women but I try to remain open minded about who I may fall in love with..

Anyways J is doing good, the conversation was very satisfying.. She's happy and busy and doing well with school and activities.. She's in a relationship that has lasted 6 months.. I'm happy for her.. as much as I wanted her to be miserable after cheating on me.. I'm glad she can have a happy and healthy relationship now..

Cheating

Sigh..

I was cheated on once a year ago this month. I've never felt a feeling quite like that. I was completely heartbroken, distraught, enraged.. and sick over it. My girlfriend at the time was the most unlikely candidate for a cheater, she had always thought it was the worst thing you could possibly do.. the worst kind of people were cheaters she thought, and she became one.

It after a few months I was over the ex but I will never be over the feeling of being cheated on.
My mother was cheated on, my aunt was cheated on, my best friend has been cheated on.. and I've seen how it has torn apart their lives and then my own. Yet.. when I was thrown into a situation we're i would have been the "other woman" recently I was surprised at how quickly logic goes out the door and how selfishness takes over.

There was a girl once that i mentioned briefly, S. , she had a fling with H shortly after H and I broke up, I met S two years later, we hit it off right away, immediately attracted to each other and comfortable, we clicked. Unfortunately we met a week before left for school out of state, we tried long distance for a while... didn't work we both ended up a little insecure and there were a few other factors that got in the way.. but we decided to be friends. So we're good friends and she came to visit on her spring break and right away it was like when we first met, we just click and when you click like that you want to act on it.. especially when you are as comfortable with each other as we are.

One problem, she just started dating someone, a girl who she doesn't feel as comfortable with, a girl that she likes and who adores her, but she isn't as compatible with as she is with me.. It was so hard to not act on it. and we did really well.. but it was hard.. very hard. I felt so selfish.. as much as I would never ever want to hurt someone (her new girlfriend) I didn't really care, I wanted to act on what we still felt when we were together, I wanted to satisfy what I was feeling regardless of the situation. I couldn't believe it..

After being cheated on.. I was so close to becoming the other woman..

And it's funny.. the one day i decide..."OK maybe i want to be the other woman" every song on the radio .. every show on TV.. has cheating as the plot!.. Seriously! The L Word, Greys Anatomy, the movies we watched while she was here... It was so weird. We just kept looking at each other like.."Ugh, this is a sign that we need to be careful"

We survived major temptation.. but barely. We're really good friends, we always will be, but we'll always be attracted and comfortable with each other too. It's so hard.. how do you deny what you're feeling.. when you're feeling it? How can you hold back when it feels so natural ? Blah.. I'm glad I'm single for that reason, I can act on how I feel without worrying about hurting anyone.. That's where I'm at right now.. In my life, at this moment, I refuse to hold back, but sometimes you have to out of respect for someone else ...

Friends with Bens

I've always been really serious when it comes to a relationship. I started at 16 with a long term serious relationship.. followed by a second long term relationship.. and now I've decided to casually date. But even now.. I really don't have the energy to even invest in casual dating, maybe I do, but lately I haven't.

I should really be concentrating on school, family, and friends. If I could find someone that blends into this.. then that'd be great. I don't see that happening any time soon though.

So answer me this:

Does "Friends with Benefits" work?

I tried it.. and the times I tried it.. failed miserably. Then again I was emotionally invested in the two people I tried it with. So...maybe if i wasn't emotionally invested?

I really thought, at the time when I tried friends with bens, that I could do it. I really did. I just hate.. when you know you're somewhat compatible with someone, not enough to be in a serious relationship but.. enough to be affectionate and occasionally spend time together. Especially when you're sexually compatible.. ahhh..

I don't knooow.. I think I should be single right now, but I still want to make out.. ahaha