I'm growing increasingly frustrated with Michigan's lesbian scene. I've mentioned before that the scene is nothing to boast about. The lesbian community here is barely a community at all, and the majority that make up this "community" are either the stereotypical butch lesbian, or they are seriously lacking in culture (education, awareness of the world around them, ect..ect). This was made more clear to me recently when talking to my ex H.
H is soon to be graduating from college and recently went out to NYC for some job interviews. While staying there for the week she went to a few lesbian clubs and claimed that all the women were gorgeous and smart ..ect..ect. She even met a beautiful girl who she apparently hit it off with right away. We started talking about the girls here, the girls we've dated and met.. and how they compare to the girls that she met while living in NYC a couple summers ago and while she was there last week. We concluded that Michigan is just..not the place for girls like us.. to meet.. girls like us. But I'm wondering if that is the case in a majority of places that lacks a huge metropolitan center. So if anyone is reading this that has the same problem in a different state.. please let me know (so i can avoid the state completely haha).
Really.. I'm confident that I'll meet various women that will sweep me off my feet but is it going to happen here? I don't know. People show up right under your nose when you least expect it. After every failed relationship I've always thought "ok that was the last date-able lesbian in Michigan" and I find myself surprised every time I meet someone new that doesn't fit the Michigan Lesbian stereotype. But these girls are rare.. very rare. Would it change if I ever move for school or work?
I'm not saying I'm going to leave Michigan just because the lesbian scene sucks. I can just imagine. "Young Woman Leaves Michigan.. Not Because of its Economic State But Because of its Dating Scene" that would be a great op/ed article for the newspaper.
I think I'm so frustrated with it because I went to the local gay bar the other night with my best gay guy friend. We walked in.. and were easily the most attractive pair in the bar. All the women were stereotypical white trash, ghetto thug, or big and butch. There were maybe two women that didn't fit this description, I swear. The gay men in this town are the same.. unattractive, poorly educated, gross. I mean really, it's the only gay bar I've ever been to when country music is the song of choice during a drag show.. ew. But this is typical of my town which is why I've never really met someone around here and have always had long distance relationships with girls that live in other small towns or bigger cities. Long Distance Relationships... damn that's another post all on its own.
Mar 8, 2007
Feb 27, 2007
Sex Drive
Hypersexuality is a desire for human sexual behavior at levels high enough to be considered clinically significant.
I like sex. I love sex. Sex is something I think about a lot. It's also something I'd like to do a lot when the opportunity arises. Does this mean I have a high sex drive? Maybe. Is that a bad thing? I think not.
Recently I had a conversation with a friend who is in a brand new relationship with someone who isn't outwardly sexual in nature. My friend, however, is highly sexual. Her and I share a sex drive that is closely comparable, we prefer sexual experiences to occur daily if not more. Granted, we would be fine if it didn't happen daily but.. that's just how much we could and would have sex if the situation were right. So, anyways this friend has a high sex drive and is dating someone who she doesn't feel comfortable expressing her sexuality too (sign one that something is wrong). This friend also feels like her high sex drive is a bad thing which is why she has a hard time discussing this with her new girlfriend.
My advice was....
1. Get over being ashamed of your "high sex drive". Everyone has a different opinion on sex drive, how often sex should be had and when it should be initiated. Some may consider my sex drive low, some might consider it normal and some might consider it insane. If you can't be proud of the fact that you're a sexual woman that you shouldn't be having a sexual relationship. Own it! Be Proud! Sex is a beautiful, fun, and exciting thing. So what if your sex drive isn't characteristic of the stereotypical women we see depicted in TV and movies.
2. Be completely honest. In fact that's one of the first things I'll discuss with someone when we start dating. I let it be known that sex is not only something I'm interested in as a field of study (yes i want to be a sex therapist) but it's also something that I desire quite often. I make it a point to get mine and the other persons sexuality out there on the table and discussed. It's important. I'm not going to want to invest so much time and effort into someone that I'm not going to be sexually compatible with and if you're honest and upfront about it right away you'll be able to get a feel for your sexual compatibility immediately.
3. Start dialogue about what sort of things you like and don't like, the frequency that you desire your "sexual experiences", things you haven't done and would like to try (their reaction to this is key to how compatible you are... example: if you've thought you would like to try some form of S & M or if you've always wanted to invite a third person into the bedroom.. and the person reacts badly to it then you know this person might squash your exploration and therefore may not be the one for you )
That's all you can do really. Accept it and talk about it. Being honest and open and confident with your sexuality is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Telling someone exactly what you want and don't want in bed or giving them a little instruction should never be something you should be afraid of. Get comfortable.. you're having sex with the person, you might as well get what you want right?
This also reminded me of a conversation I had with a group of lesbians over dinner one night. It was me, the girl I was recently seeing, and two couples. One couple stated that they had sex maybe once a month.. the other couple said they had sex maybe once a week. The look on my face must have been utter horror. I can't imagine not having sex more than a couple times a week. How can you just.. not desire the person you are attracted to and in love with? Hell I can't even sleep next to someone I'm attracted to and comfortable with without trying to initiate something sexual and physical.
Sex is not the most important thing to me, really it isn't....but it is important. Maybe having someone accept my sexual initiation is the validation I need in order to feel security in a dating/romantic relationship. I guess I've always felt like.. "oh god, if they don't want to have sex with me..right now..at this moment.. even though their tired.. that must mean.. that they don't find me attractive .." .. I feel unwanted... This is something that I have recently discovered about myself that I really want to find the self esteem and security to fix. I'm working on it.
I am by no means a "papi" from the l word but I like sex, I respect sex, and sex interests me. I'm proud to have a sex drive that of most of my friends combined.
Please.. just let there be no "lesbian bed death" in my future...
Hypersexuality is characterized by an impairing need for frequent genital stimulation that, when achieved, does not result in long-term emotional or sexual satisfaction. This dissatisfaction is what is believed to encourage the heightened frequency of sexual stimulation, as well as additional physiological and neurological symptoms.
___________________________________________________________I like sex. I love sex. Sex is something I think about a lot. It's also something I'd like to do a lot when the opportunity arises. Does this mean I have a high sex drive? Maybe. Is that a bad thing? I think not.
Recently I had a conversation with a friend who is in a brand new relationship with someone who isn't outwardly sexual in nature. My friend, however, is highly sexual. Her and I share a sex drive that is closely comparable, we prefer sexual experiences to occur daily if not more. Granted, we would be fine if it didn't happen daily but.. that's just how much we could and would have sex if the situation were right. So, anyways this friend has a high sex drive and is dating someone who she doesn't feel comfortable expressing her sexuality too (sign one that something is wrong). This friend also feels like her high sex drive is a bad thing which is why she has a hard time discussing this with her new girlfriend.
My advice was....
1. Get over being ashamed of your "high sex drive". Everyone has a different opinion on sex drive, how often sex should be had and when it should be initiated. Some may consider my sex drive low, some might consider it normal and some might consider it insane. If you can't be proud of the fact that you're a sexual woman that you shouldn't be having a sexual relationship. Own it! Be Proud! Sex is a beautiful, fun, and exciting thing. So what if your sex drive isn't characteristic of the stereotypical women we see depicted in TV and movies.
2. Be completely honest. In fact that's one of the first things I'll discuss with someone when we start dating. I let it be known that sex is not only something I'm interested in as a field of study (yes i want to be a sex therapist) but it's also something that I desire quite often. I make it a point to get mine and the other persons sexuality out there on the table and discussed. It's important. I'm not going to want to invest so much time and effort into someone that I'm not going to be sexually compatible with and if you're honest and upfront about it right away you'll be able to get a feel for your sexual compatibility immediately.
3. Start dialogue about what sort of things you like and don't like, the frequency that you desire your "sexual experiences", things you haven't done and would like to try (their reaction to this is key to how compatible you are... example: if you've thought you would like to try some form of S & M or if you've always wanted to invite a third person into the bedroom.. and the person reacts badly to it then you know this person might squash your exploration and therefore may not be the one for you )
That's all you can do really. Accept it and talk about it. Being honest and open and confident with your sexuality is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Telling someone exactly what you want and don't want in bed or giving them a little instruction should never be something you should be afraid of. Get comfortable.. you're having sex with the person, you might as well get what you want right?
This also reminded me of a conversation I had with a group of lesbians over dinner one night. It was me, the girl I was recently seeing, and two couples. One couple stated that they had sex maybe once a month.. the other couple said they had sex maybe once a week. The look on my face must have been utter horror. I can't imagine not having sex more than a couple times a week. How can you just.. not desire the person you are attracted to and in love with? Hell I can't even sleep next to someone I'm attracted to and comfortable with without trying to initiate something sexual and physical.
Sex is not the most important thing to me, really it isn't....but it is important. Maybe having someone accept my sexual initiation is the validation I need in order to feel security in a dating/romantic relationship. I guess I've always felt like.. "oh god, if they don't want to have sex with me..right now..at this moment.. even though their tired.. that must mean.. that they don't find me attractive .." .. I feel unwanted... This is something that I have recently discovered about myself that I really want to find the self esteem and security to fix. I'm working on it.
I am by no means a "papi" from the l word but I like sex, I respect sex, and sex interests me. I'm proud to have a sex drive that of most of my friends combined.
Please.. just let there be no "lesbian bed death" in my future...
Cough.. Cough Cough!
Kissing Update..
I got a cold from the kiss I was writing about. That's ok I knew what I was getting into. Better start drinking more tea and orange juice.
I got a cold from the kiss I was writing about. That's ok I knew what I was getting into. Better start drinking more tea and orange juice.
Feb 26, 2007
Kissing
Kissing. Kissing. Kissing
It's one of my favorite things. Ok, honestly, isn't one of everyones favorite things? But seriously, I love kissing. Sometimes kissing can be so amazing with someone that it's almost as good as sex. I could "make out" for hours and hours.. and hours.
I was a prude about my first kiss, very Julia Roberts a la Pretty Woman. I dated boys in middle and high school but would never kiss them. I didn't love them and my first kiss was going to be with someone I loved. I saved it for H. We were at Cedar Point standing in line for the Gemini when I leaned in to kiss her cheek and she turned her cheek so that I'd kiss her lips. Everyone saw, I was cliche weak in the knees. I think we kissed non stop the rest of the day, it was this whole new thing I had never experiened and wanted nothing more but to never stop. I was sixteen and in love.
Shortly after H. and I split I was careful with my kissing. I only kissed those that I was really interested in and invested in. I was never the type to just jokingly or drunkenly kiss anyone. Now is a different story. Of course, I save the good kisses for those I care about or am interested in... but in the last year I've relaxed more on my kissing rules.
Kissing is something I'm slightly insecure about. I want to be an amazing kisser. I want to be a pro at the thing I love doing the most and I always worry if my skills are top notch enough. I think this insecurity comes after having a bad kiss or.. at least an uncompatible kiss. Recently I had one of these kisses. My lips just didn't fit with theres.. it wasn't natural.. I was more passionate than my kissing partner who was soft and slow. We were both clearly strict bottom lip kissers which made for mismatched positioning, we were unsure of tongue usage and I worried that my signature lip bite might have crossed a line.
Note: this uncompatible kiss comes after having very compatible kissing... maybe i was spoiled by C's great kisses... but when kissing our lips went perfectly into place, it was comfortable and sexy and we were just on the same page.
So I'm asking.. do you think some people are just.. not compatible kissers? Do you think it takes practice and communication? (i do.. but i wasn't comfortable saying.. Um.. ok... "obviously our kissing kind of sucks right now..")
ugh.. I need a good kiss.. one where my lips fit just right.
It's one of my favorite things. Ok, honestly, isn't one of everyones favorite things? But seriously, I love kissing. Sometimes kissing can be so amazing with someone that it's almost as good as sex. I could "make out" for hours and hours.. and hours.
I was a prude about my first kiss, very Julia Roberts a la Pretty Woman. I dated boys in middle and high school but would never kiss them. I didn't love them and my first kiss was going to be with someone I loved. I saved it for H. We were at Cedar Point standing in line for the Gemini when I leaned in to kiss her cheek and she turned her cheek so that I'd kiss her lips. Everyone saw, I was cliche weak in the knees. I think we kissed non stop the rest of the day, it was this whole new thing I had never experiened and wanted nothing more but to never stop. I was sixteen and in love.
Shortly after H. and I split I was careful with my kissing. I only kissed those that I was really interested in and invested in. I was never the type to just jokingly or drunkenly kiss anyone. Now is a different story. Of course, I save the good kisses for those I care about or am interested in... but in the last year I've relaxed more on my kissing rules.
Kissing is something I'm slightly insecure about. I want to be an amazing kisser. I want to be a pro at the thing I love doing the most and I always worry if my skills are top notch enough. I think this insecurity comes after having a bad kiss or.. at least an uncompatible kiss. Recently I had one of these kisses. My lips just didn't fit with theres.. it wasn't natural.. I was more passionate than my kissing partner who was soft and slow. We were both clearly strict bottom lip kissers which made for mismatched positioning, we were unsure of tongue usage and I worried that my signature lip bite might have crossed a line.
Note: this uncompatible kiss comes after having very compatible kissing... maybe i was spoiled by C's great kisses... but when kissing our lips went perfectly into place, it was comfortable and sexy and we were just on the same page.
So I'm asking.. do you think some people are just.. not compatible kissers? Do you think it takes practice and communication? (i do.. but i wasn't comfortable saying.. Um.. ok... "obviously our kissing kind of sucks right now..")
ugh.. I need a good kiss.. one where my lips fit just right.
Back! I'm back!
Wow, I took a break that ended up being longer than it should. I met someone and decided it wouldn't be fair to blog about it publicly so I stepped back from my brand new blog, but now I'm back! Is that a good thing? Who knows.. yes and no.
There is so much I need to blog about, my insecurities, what I'm expecting right now, what I need and shouldn't need right now.. Kissing, Sex, Some lesbian news stuff like that.. so expect new stuff!
Alright?
Alright...!
There is so much I need to blog about, my insecurities, what I'm expecting right now, what I need and shouldn't need right now.. Kissing, Sex, Some lesbian news stuff like that.. so expect new stuff!
Alright?
Alright...!
Jan 7, 2007
For the Self Conscious
I'm self conscious. Surprised? Yeah I'm not either, but it gets a little worse when you're seeing someone and they're seeing more of you than say..your friends and family, if you get my drift.
Anyways, I thought this might be beneficial to all the girls out there who are self conscious about the way they taste.. I read Violet Blue every day, she's amazing and I suggest everyone check out her website Tiny Nibbles and all her books on sex
Anyways, I thought this might be beneficial to all the girls out there who are self conscious about the way they taste.. I read Violet Blue every day, she's amazing and I suggest everyone check out her website Tiny Nibbles and all her books on sex
Super Spunk Smoothie
1 cup pineapple, fresh, canned or juice
1 cup mango juice
1 banana
1/2 cucumber, peeled and seeded
1/2 tsp fresh ginger
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
2 Tbs honey
Blend all ingredients in a blender until smooth. Drink immediately. Repeat daily (and perform your own scientific oral sex taste tests) for best results
(credit: Violet Blue and the Open Source Sex podcast)New
So just when I thought I was going to be single for a long long time, I met someone who is amazing, who takes my breath away when I look at her, who makes me laugh and feel so comfortable. We connect so well.. and she continues to suprise me with just how amazing she is. I really like her friends, my friends like her.. Her parents are so cool.. Ahhh she's just great.
It's new.. and I'm excited .. and looking forward to something good..
It's new.. and I'm excited .. and looking forward to something good..
Reflecting
Last week I went out for tea with a teacher friend and my best friend. We were filling each other in on the new things that have been going on in our lives like work, school, and relationships (which is why I haven't been updating...we'll discuss this later) and I told them both about how I have met the most amazing woman recently. They both looked at me skeptically and I don't blame them.
"You said K was great and she ended up being way into BDSM without telling you" - said the friend, "And you thought J. was perfect until we found out she was a klepto and a cutter" - said the teacher..
They are right.. I've had some of the most interesting and hilarious dating experiences.. so I thought I'd share.. as I did with them that night..
First there was H. My first love, we came out together and the process was so terrifying (though it didn't need to be) for me that I started having panic attacks every time I saw her (mostly because we hid our relationship for a while and lied to our families and this was hard on me) .. . We met when I was 16 and stayed together for about two years.. during which we grew up and apart. After a couple years of an up and down friend/ex girlfriend relationship we're finally ok. There isn't really anything crazy to tell about that relationship considering she was my first, it was long distance, I got panic attacks..
Then there was S. which wasn't much of a relationship, we had been friends via the Internet for a short period of time and then she met up with me at a gay pride event and latched on like no other..she was holding my hand and kissing my cheek within minutes.. We ended up going to dinner with friends that night and on the way back to the car it down poured.. it was so beautiful.. so .. I figured I'd take advantage of this beautiful hard rain.. so I pressed her up against a brick building and kissed her as passionately as I've ever kissed someone before.. we were soaked, it was beautiful, I felt NOTHING. Which was heartbreaking for me because I so badly wanted to feel something after H and I broke up. The sad part was, S. did feel something and continued to latch on and be extremely clingy affectionate (now i'm clingy affectionate, but you know its bad when I can't handle that much touch).. so that was Clingy Super Touchy girl. We still talk, we're friends, and our friends make fun of our passionate kiss (and the fact I felt nothing)
Follow that up with K. Great girl.. This story is short and simple.. She needed time to experiment sexually. something i wasn't really interested in at the time.. She met someone she could do that with.. we parted ways.
Then there was J. when we met it felt like love at first sight. I knew standing right there in front of the sushi restaurant that I was going to love this girl and love her well. Unfortunately J. was broken she had been in a very traumatic long term relationship with a girl with major religious issues who swore her off and refused to speak to her then started dating another girl. J never got closure. I knew that going into it.. I knew I'd have to be slow with her and I assumed after falling for me she'd be fine. Mistake number one. Never date someone who isn't over their ex . We fell hard and fast yet it was a mature relationship and a mature love, something I hadn't experienced before. Our parents liked us, we were happy.. Then I slowly started finding things out that ended up being huge problems in our relationship. The first time I saw her naked instead of being amazed and in love, I cried over every small whisker scar on her hips and under her breasts from years of cutting. I started noticing expensive designer dresses and purses, products of her stealing. She would impulsively buy me things or go on big spending sprees yet she was classic middle class and a college student (credit cards). And then one day while we woke up next to each other and she said.."I love you, But I still love her"... what do you say to that? I stayed and tried, with everything I had to make her love me more than her ex, but for the most part it as a three person relationship, me, j, and her ex. I got her mental health help, I came up with all sorts of budgets and spending plans so that she wouldn't run herself into debt. I confronted her stealing. And for a while things started to go really well.. She wasn't cutting and she seemed happy. This was a lie, she was still keeping tabs on her ex and eventually started cutting again in places that were highly vi sable and dangerous she started spending like crazy and stopped taking her meds.. Eventually she cheated on me with a guy friend with whom she had had a fling with previous to us meeting. After everything, after all the investments in her that I made.. to be wronged like that was just too much so we broke up. Now we're friends we see each other at least monthly. She's in a happy new relationship with a girl and she seems to be doing better. I love her, as a friend, as someone who i cared about very much.. but cheating (while wrong and the whole thought of it makes me sick) was the best thing that could have happened to me. I might still be holding on waiting for the day where she loved me more and stopped hurting herself
Oohhhh then there was R. an older "girl" she was 30... she was funny and cute and sexy she was comfortable but she treated me like crap. She only wanted to see me when SHE felt like it, she only wanted to do what she wanted to do.. but I was intoxicated with this older woman who still acted like a girl.. until the day where in the shower.. after a night of a few drinks..she said.."Have you ever tasted your own poop?".."No, have you?" "Yeah, it's not a big deal"... that lasted for a couple weeks and that was the end of it, besides I was just something to entertain her anyways she didn't really care about me.. but hey that's Crazy Poop Girl for you
Then there was A. who is seemingly perfect we had so much in common, a wonderful girl, but she just couldn't deal with commitment of any kind so through the spring and part of the summer we were sort of on again off again flirty friends with crushes on each other..never more ..We really liked each other, but she goes to school 3 hours away and well, it just wasn't going to work.
And C, we met over the summer, a musician, earthy, inspiring we became fast friends and it turned into something more, more of something than C was ready for or could have because she was going off to school far far far away in the fall. It was lusty and fun and up and down and it tore me up but we had the best summer together, we formed a great friendship and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. Thank god she isn't one of the crazy ones I'd have to write about in a book of fucked up dating experiences
Then S. We met through H. They had a short lived fling. S and I fell into this super fast lustful relationship that looked like love but was so very obviously lust. At first we had a lot in common then not a lot at all.. She had to go to school in ohio and we thought about doing the long distance thing but her insecurities drove me nuts. She wanted to talk allll the time.. every hour literally and texted me non-stop to the point where i had to change my phone plan and I couldn't handle it and when I talked about other girls, friends, she'd get so upset. So we decided to just be friends considering the distance and her insecurities and hang ups..
And you already know about crazy republican girl...
So .. that's when I decided to try being single for a while..I was serial dating (which i think is ok.. to date at this age...meet lots of people but.. it gets exhausting ) and it worked. I developed better relationships with my friends started working on getting back to being closer with my family, enjoying work and school and just working on being a happy person alone so that I could be more secure in a relationship in the future..
Before I was dating to feel validation, by dating that made me wanted.. wanted made me feel good .. I NEEDED that feeling.. and in the big relationships with H and J I invested all of myself and concentrated only on them so when those relationships ended I was alone and drained..
While these experiences were crazy, fun, heartbreaking, and stupid at times.. I'm glad I've had them. I'm so much more independent of the feelings I had during those times.. I'm happier and healthier and being in a relationship is something I look at as an added bonus not the entirety of my life. Its something I WANT rather than something I feel I NEED..
I'm still working on being secure, but I'll get there.
"You said K was great and she ended up being way into BDSM without telling you" - said the friend, "And you thought J. was perfect until we found out she was a klepto and a cutter" - said the teacher..
They are right.. I've had some of the most interesting and hilarious dating experiences.. so I thought I'd share.. as I did with them that night..
First there was H. My first love, we came out together and the process was so terrifying (though it didn't need to be) for me that I started having panic attacks every time I saw her (mostly because we hid our relationship for a while and lied to our families and this was hard on me) .. . We met when I was 16 and stayed together for about two years.. during which we grew up and apart. After a couple years of an up and down friend/ex girlfriend relationship we're finally ok. There isn't really anything crazy to tell about that relationship considering she was my first, it was long distance, I got panic attacks..
Then there was S. which wasn't much of a relationship, we had been friends via the Internet for a short period of time and then she met up with me at a gay pride event and latched on like no other..she was holding my hand and kissing my cheek within minutes.. We ended up going to dinner with friends that night and on the way back to the car it down poured.. it was so beautiful.. so .. I figured I'd take advantage of this beautiful hard rain.. so I pressed her up against a brick building and kissed her as passionately as I've ever kissed someone before.. we were soaked, it was beautiful, I felt NOTHING. Which was heartbreaking for me because I so badly wanted to feel something after H and I broke up. The sad part was, S. did feel something and continued to latch on and be extremely clingy affectionate (now i'm clingy affectionate, but you know its bad when I can't handle that much touch).. so that was Clingy Super Touchy girl. We still talk, we're friends, and our friends make fun of our passionate kiss (and the fact I felt nothing)
Follow that up with K. Great girl.. This story is short and simple.. She needed time to experiment sexually. something i wasn't really interested in at the time.. She met someone she could do that with.. we parted ways.
Then there was J. when we met it felt like love at first sight. I knew standing right there in front of the sushi restaurant that I was going to love this girl and love her well. Unfortunately J. was broken she had been in a very traumatic long term relationship with a girl with major religious issues who swore her off and refused to speak to her then started dating another girl. J never got closure. I knew that going into it.. I knew I'd have to be slow with her and I assumed after falling for me she'd be fine. Mistake number one. Never date someone who isn't over their ex . We fell hard and fast yet it was a mature relationship and a mature love, something I hadn't experienced before. Our parents liked us, we were happy.. Then I slowly started finding things out that ended up being huge problems in our relationship. The first time I saw her naked instead of being amazed and in love, I cried over every small whisker scar on her hips and under her breasts from years of cutting. I started noticing expensive designer dresses and purses, products of her stealing. She would impulsively buy me things or go on big spending sprees yet she was classic middle class and a college student (credit cards). And then one day while we woke up next to each other and she said.."I love you, But I still love her"... what do you say to that? I stayed and tried, with everything I had to make her love me more than her ex, but for the most part it as a three person relationship, me, j, and her ex. I got her mental health help, I came up with all sorts of budgets and spending plans so that she wouldn't run herself into debt. I confronted her stealing. And for a while things started to go really well.. She wasn't cutting and she seemed happy. This was a lie, she was still keeping tabs on her ex and eventually started cutting again in places that were highly vi sable and dangerous she started spending like crazy and stopped taking her meds.. Eventually she cheated on me with a guy friend with whom she had had a fling with previous to us meeting. After everything, after all the investments in her that I made.. to be wronged like that was just too much so we broke up. Now we're friends we see each other at least monthly. She's in a happy new relationship with a girl and she seems to be doing better. I love her, as a friend, as someone who i cared about very much.. but cheating (while wrong and the whole thought of it makes me sick) was the best thing that could have happened to me. I might still be holding on waiting for the day where she loved me more and stopped hurting herself
Oohhhh then there was R. an older "girl" she was 30... she was funny and cute and sexy she was comfortable but she treated me like crap. She only wanted to see me when SHE felt like it, she only wanted to do what she wanted to do.. but I was intoxicated with this older woman who still acted like a girl.. until the day where in the shower.. after a night of a few drinks..she said.."Have you ever tasted your own poop?".."No, have you?" "Yeah, it's not a big deal"... that lasted for a couple weeks and that was the end of it, besides I was just something to entertain her anyways she didn't really care about me.. but hey that's Crazy Poop Girl for you
Then there was A. who is seemingly perfect we had so much in common, a wonderful girl, but she just couldn't deal with commitment of any kind so through the spring and part of the summer we were sort of on again off again flirty friends with crushes on each other..never more ..We really liked each other, but she goes to school 3 hours away and well, it just wasn't going to work.
And C, we met over the summer, a musician, earthy, inspiring we became fast friends and it turned into something more, more of something than C was ready for or could have because she was going off to school far far far away in the fall. It was lusty and fun and up and down and it tore me up but we had the best summer together, we formed a great friendship and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. Thank god she isn't one of the crazy ones I'd have to write about in a book of fucked up dating experiences
Then S. We met through H. They had a short lived fling. S and I fell into this super fast lustful relationship that looked like love but was so very obviously lust. At first we had a lot in common then not a lot at all.. She had to go to school in ohio and we thought about doing the long distance thing but her insecurities drove me nuts. She wanted to talk allll the time.. every hour literally and texted me non-stop to the point where i had to change my phone plan and I couldn't handle it and when I talked about other girls, friends, she'd get so upset. So we decided to just be friends considering the distance and her insecurities and hang ups..
And you already know about crazy republican girl...
So .. that's when I decided to try being single for a while..I was serial dating (which i think is ok.. to date at this age...meet lots of people but.. it gets exhausting ) and it worked. I developed better relationships with my friends started working on getting back to being closer with my family, enjoying work and school and just working on being a happy person alone so that I could be more secure in a relationship in the future..
Before I was dating to feel validation, by dating that made me wanted.. wanted made me feel good .. I NEEDED that feeling.. and in the big relationships with H and J I invested all of myself and concentrated only on them so when those relationships ended I was alone and drained..
While these experiences were crazy, fun, heartbreaking, and stupid at times.. I'm glad I've had them. I'm so much more independent of the feelings I had during those times.. I'm happier and healthier and being in a relationship is something I look at as an added bonus not the entirety of my life. Its something I WANT rather than something I feel I NEED..
I'm still working on being secure, but I'll get there.
Dec 22, 2006
Community? Where are you?
Last night I had a really good conversation with someone new. By really good, I mean ..really really good. Anyways, we had this fun conversation sort of complaining about the lesbians circles of michigan. This all started because as I started talking to her I was so amazed to learn things about her that seem to be void of the majority of the lesbian population here.... like the following:
-Reading (and no, I don't mean The Giver in middle school, or Magazines.. I mean BOOKS!)
-Caring about the state of the nation and the people in it - Politics, News, Current Events...you have no idea how many women I have met that don't know who the governor or our senators are. I met a woman once who didn't vote or know who our vice president was. to me , that is disgusting considering that so much of our livelyhood depends on the government right? Equal Rights.. Elections.. ect..ect.
I can't think of the others, I know there are more, but these are just the really important ones to me.
I long for a lesbian community that cares about real issues not just who is fucking who.. and when the next Ani concert is.
-Reading (and no, I don't mean The Giver in middle school, or Magazines.. I mean BOOKS!)
-Caring about the state of the nation and the people in it - Politics, News, Current Events...you have no idea how many women I have met that don't know who the governor or our senators are. I met a woman once who didn't vote or know who our vice president was. to me , that is disgusting considering that so much of our livelyhood depends on the government right? Equal Rights.. Elections.. ect..ect.
I can't think of the others, I know there are more, but these are just the really important ones to me.
I long for a lesbian community that cares about real issues not just who is fucking who.. and when the next Ani concert is.
Advice From One Young Lesbian to a Younger One
Lately, I've been giving advice to a newly out senior in high school. She is this amazing, smart, talented, kind, and beautiful young woman who has decided to come out, and start a relationship with another young lesbian in the high school. I'm giving her the type of advice I wish I would have had forced down my throat when I was just coming out so I thought I'd post it for everyone else and get some advice to give to her.
1. Don't label yourself the gay girl. - when I first came out I couldn't wait to tell the world, I was in love and everyone had to know about it, so I told them. And while I was surprisingly accepted among this seemingly conservative student body, I became "J. the gay girl " I was always referred to as.. "oh that's J. she's gay" and at first that was fine.. but I've grown to realize that I am much more than my sexuality. I'm J the girl who is into politics, a reader of good books, a drinker of good wine, who is loud and fun.. who happens to be gay.. I'm much much much more now.
2. Leave the rainbow bracelets at home - no one wants someones opinion shoved in their face, besides it's tacky! I limit myself to an HRC sticker on my car, that's it. It isn't necessary to decorate yourself with signs of your sexuality, straight people don't do it. And it goes hand and hand with labeling yourself before other people do.
3. Its not always the best choice to pair up with the only other out lesbian in school - i know a handful of people who have done this, they come out, want to be in a relationship and pair up with the only other out lesbian who they might not be compatible with at all but it works because that's all you have to choose from.
4. If you do date in high school don't do this - and by this I mean.. do not, I repeat, do not plan your life around your high school girlfriend. For one, in high school and college we change sooooo much, so much so that we become completely different sometimes from the people we once were and once dated. So if you're going off to college and think you're going to make a long distance relationship work, think twice. You're going to meet so many new people and so many new lesbians, you're dating doors will be wide open which causes a lot of insecurity in the relationship. I decided that I had to go to college near my girlfriend so I applied to a school and got in and when we broke up right before I graduated I was screwed. I was stuck going to a school that wasn't right for me but that had been right for my relationship, and that was the only place I applied to. Stupid. Hey, if it works out that you both want to go to school at the same place that's great.. go for it.. But at this age, nothing lasts forever.. just keep an open mind.
5. Do not shove your sexuality down your parents throat - hell, they are just getting used to thinking of you as adults/sexual people anyways and to throw them off guard with coming out is huge. Do not expect for them to accept you right away. My parents said they accepted me but then found ways to not accept my relationship with my girlfriend and that is because I expected them to be perfectly ok with her and I right away, I didn't ease them into it, I didn't provide a mature relationship for them to be comfortable with at all. It wasn't until my second girlfriend that I was able to prove that my lesbian relationship was a mature relationship and therefore they could accept that. So take it slow, they'll come around.
After giving this advice I worried that I came off a little negative, that maybe my mistakes had made me bitter, so bitter to say.. "don't date that girl in high school, its a waste of time and it won't last" but that isn't what I mean at all.
Take things slow, explore your options.. and take time to step outside of yourself and evaluate the situation from another point of view...
Any other tips ?
1. Don't label yourself the gay girl. - when I first came out I couldn't wait to tell the world, I was in love and everyone had to know about it, so I told them. And while I was surprisingly accepted among this seemingly conservative student body, I became "J. the gay girl " I was always referred to as.. "oh that's J. she's gay" and at first that was fine.. but I've grown to realize that I am much more than my sexuality. I'm J the girl who is into politics, a reader of good books, a drinker of good wine, who is loud and fun.. who happens to be gay.. I'm much much much more now.
2. Leave the rainbow bracelets at home - no one wants someones opinion shoved in their face, besides it's tacky! I limit myself to an HRC sticker on my car, that's it. It isn't necessary to decorate yourself with signs of your sexuality, straight people don't do it. And it goes hand and hand with labeling yourself before other people do.
3. Its not always the best choice to pair up with the only other out lesbian in school - i know a handful of people who have done this, they come out, want to be in a relationship and pair up with the only other out lesbian who they might not be compatible with at all but it works because that's all you have to choose from.
4. If you do date in high school don't do this - and by this I mean.. do not, I repeat, do not plan your life around your high school girlfriend. For one, in high school and college we change sooooo much, so much so that we become completely different sometimes from the people we once were and once dated. So if you're going off to college and think you're going to make a long distance relationship work, think twice. You're going to meet so many new people and so many new lesbians, you're dating doors will be wide open which causes a lot of insecurity in the relationship. I decided that I had to go to college near my girlfriend so I applied to a school and got in and when we broke up right before I graduated I was screwed. I was stuck going to a school that wasn't right for me but that had been right for my relationship, and that was the only place I applied to. Stupid. Hey, if it works out that you both want to go to school at the same place that's great.. go for it.. But at this age, nothing lasts forever.. just keep an open mind.
5. Do not shove your sexuality down your parents throat - hell, they are just getting used to thinking of you as adults/sexual people anyways and to throw them off guard with coming out is huge. Do not expect for them to accept you right away. My parents said they accepted me but then found ways to not accept my relationship with my girlfriend and that is because I expected them to be perfectly ok with her and I right away, I didn't ease them into it, I didn't provide a mature relationship for them to be comfortable with at all. It wasn't until my second girlfriend that I was able to prove that my lesbian relationship was a mature relationship and therefore they could accept that. So take it slow, they'll come around.
After giving this advice I worried that I came off a little negative, that maybe my mistakes had made me bitter, so bitter to say.. "don't date that girl in high school, its a waste of time and it won't last" but that isn't what I mean at all.
Take things slow, explore your options.. and take time to step outside of yourself and evaluate the situation from another point of view...
Any other tips ?
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